So sad… that all of these species think THEY have a claim to this planet! This planet is ours! This planet belongs to the U-S-of-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! We’ve been flingin’ bombs since ’76, killin’ an’ grillin’ for centuries! You thought we’d stop when the planet was about to rot from within?
1) Fast-Food – It doesn’t take a man of great observation to see that when you step into the delicate ecosystem of a Mcdonald’s or Wendy’s there is an entirely different and altogether terrifying species of man being created. Man’s transmogrification when he walks into this place, the dreaded fast-food chain, is something out of H.P. Lovecraft. He grows roughly fifty pounds, he sweats with every step, but his sweat is made of this translucent goop insipid with grease and anticipation. His legs are like tree trunks, which root him to the ground, but what hath thine ground become? The ground beneath their feet is trampled, as in the stampede of buffalo; his roots pollute it with disease and bacteria, from which spring the disease of fast-food. These fast-food bacterium spread like plague and are just as lethal.
From its roots, fast-food is terrible for mankind. Cow-farms are exactly as they sound; they are massive warehouses that store cattle for the purpose of their destruction. It is only natural that you would need a water supply to harbor so many animals and it is just as likely that this water will become polluted. The terrible thing about water is that it seems so abundant, but there is a need for fresh, drinkable water that we won’t understand until it’s gone. Even the land used for grazing is destroyed. The pollution doesn’t end there; the methane produced by so many cattle farting in one place produces a rip in our O-zone.
I’m sorry… I went kinda crazy there for a minute. The point is… fast-food is delicious and I WANT Diabeetus! SO fast-food wins… fuck dem cattle!
2) The Ocean is Bullshit! – Water offers the perception that it is limitless, unfathomable… near godly. Civilizations throughout history have mythologized the ocean in their creation stories, speaking of when the ocean was a volatile mess and the planet was erratic. The ocean is an asshole. Hurricanes are getting more violent because the ocean can’t handle its liquor… I mean… the volatile mess of pollution we’ve been dumping. It just keeps getting hotter and hotter… what a dick! It’s getting easier for ice in the Arctic to melt and mix with the ocean, so the level of desalinization with this heat is making the ocean more volatile, which means the storms we’ll see in the next decade will be worse than anything to come.
Perhaps even worse is that we keep seeing species of creature we’ve never seen before, since the ocean is getting warmer these creatures think they have the right to prove to us they’re alive! Didn’t we kill you already? We should make an example of them… let’s nuke the ocean! It’s only a matter of time before we see a Lochness monster-like beast that tries to kill us all. Kutulu maybe… definitely.
3) Racist Forests N Shit! – There’s this bridge in Scotland, Overtoun Bridge, where dogs leap to their death. Dogs commit suicide… what the fuck, planet? Worse, yet, if a dog doesn’t die the first time he’ll climb up and leap… again! Fuck you planet!
There’s a forest outside of Germany… surprise, surprise! where swastikas are randomly sprouting up amidst your average not racist trees. Still a sore subject planet… let it be.
This planet seems to have a dark energy that feeds off of our negativity. Why can’t you help us out for once planet? We offer up our garbage and nuclear waste and THIS is how you repay us? Our dogs are killing themselves and our forests are being anti-semitic!
The worst of it, however, has to be Mount Fuji, in Japan, where this wretched landmark has made people think it would be awesome to kill themselves. Seeing dead people hanging from a few branches within the woods before Mt. Fuji is a natural occurrence… sucks to be THAT park ranger! It happens so often they’ve erected signs to try and talk people out of it, but the allure of death, the scent of it that catches their noses, which pours forth from this wretched planet is too much for them to handle. Which brings me to the point… this planet is trying to kill us. We’d better kill it before it can kill us.
4) Fuck Dem Beez! – So… the bees are dying… but they’re assholes too, so fuck them! Without the bees to help keep the flowers alive and repopulating the planet, this fucker will die off in no time. Bees have always been a worthy adversary, as ally to the planet… we need to take these fuckers down! Why? I’ve been stung before… we gots ta kill ‘em all! No one is exactly certain what’s killing them, though perhaps their alliance with the planet has turned sour… collapsed, if you will. I don’t think anyone cares about bees… this is our planet. Insects think they have a right to the planet, they think they can number in the billions and run shit… not in my house! We’ve got Raid and plenty of pesticides to nuke you good! http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rundown/disappearing-bees-progress-or-frustration-1/
5) Dinosaurs – Let’s do it for the dinosaurs! This is revenge, bitch! Way over ninety percent of species that lived on this planet have gone extinct… and one-hundred percent WILL die… true story… wikipedia that shit! We could be riding stegasaurus’ through the streets right now, but no, the planet had to kill them off. Go on and blame a meteor. I choose to point out the obvious: this planet has an agenda against us. World War 2… blame the planet…. plague… blame the planet… AIDS… you get it… finally. This planet’s only aim is to kill every living thing, when all we want is to live. Can you see that our missions are separate, and that we are fighting this planet for survival? This is the goal, we must defeat the planet!
6) Mountain Dew – It tastes better than water, yet the planet sees no need to make a lake of Mountain Dew, does it? How inconsiderate… why can’t the planet make this place like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory? It doesn’t want to… it CHOOSES to create parasites that latch onto our nuts and bacteria that rots our flesh and mosquitoes that stab us with their noses. What a bitch! Life is all about making the right decisions… it seems the planet makes the decisions that try to kill us. It amazes me that people try so hard to save it, when this place wants us dead. I say we fight fire with fire… no more rationale; I follow instinct. Instinct is older than intellect. It’s gotten us much further on the evolutionary scale, so when it tells me to kill the planet I listen.
And where’s my Mountain Dew lake?
7) The Planet Hates My Car – Let’s think about this for a second… for some reason, we all need cars… so there are probably millions out there as we speak. If they all became fuel-efficient over night that would be great… but would it really help? Fuel is a major issue with the planet, both in wasting it now and preserving it, while finding new sources of it for the future. Does the army go green? Do they have some kind of fuel-efficient tanks or planes to kill those little arabs? Imagine the waste an army creates in food and water and supplies, imagine the metal we waste in weapons and such, the tearing up of the planet it takes to really make a war. The economics of war are in destruction, which means more than killing an entire race, it means fighting for resources. Simultaneously, we can kill the planet AND ourselves. While we dig for resources we can also dig our own graves. I just want a car that runs on unicorn farts… why can’t science deal with real problems?
Either join in my crusade or get out of the way. I have a clear agenda for saving us and ridding us of this planet. We’ll float in the nether, like planets in orbit. Then, of course, we’ll have to kill the orbit… then whatever comes after. It’s a cycle. We can’t just be happy, afloat against the backdrop of a darkly dreaming cosmos. No point… no point.