Eating Human Flesh: A Love Story

Eat-Me-Cannibal-Movie

Don’t judge me, I’m a patriot, I’m a revolutionary and when I say I want to try eating human flesh take it as a note on my adventurous nature. I refuse to be judged by people who have obviously made ‘Teen Mom‘ and Justin Bieber into star attractions, when I just want a taste of what people have to offer! Eating people has been something I never thought I would do, but this is a new day! People, I have found our destiny, and the answer is in eating our brothers!

This is America, and I’m pretty sure if I figure out the trick I WILL find my way to eat a person! Nothing happens without money in this country, so since I don’t have any… I’ll need to befriend a rich person. I’m willing to bet rich people eat human flesh every day… it’s probably a delicacy to them! Any rich person will do… maybe even Justin Bieber himself, he has to serve a purpose, after all. Maybe the elite are a special club, BECAUSE of their cannibalism, or maybe it is an act that solidifies their bond, much like the dark ritual in Indian Jones when the priest rips out the dudes heart. Yeah… that happened. Rich people, so I think, make eating people into fun afternoon events, much as we normies would play ladder ball, or soccer. Not that I’m a soccer fan… just a dude trying to find the easiest way to eat a person.

Cannibalism is too drastic of a word, by that I mean it carries certain connotations. It implies that I have come to a desperate situation, such as being stranded on a deserted island with two people I like and one I hate. Of course, I’m gonna eat the person I hate, probably on the first day, I just feel that in this situation ‘Cannibalism’ is not the right word to describe my need to eat a person. There should be a specific category, maybe a myriad of sub-categories for cannibalism… we can call mine ‘a minor act of cannibalism’. By the way, on the second and third days I would eat my other two friends, because I’m willing to bet eating people is like eating Chinese food and I’d be hungry right after.

This seems a necessary part of my endeavor, as the act of eating people has become all too taboo, though, and let’s be honest on this, most people on this planet will serve no greater purpose than to be meat in my burger. It will be a greater step-up, won’t it, from being a useless criminal to stepping up and becoming a Burger King kid’s meal. Maybe it could even be a karmic event if we made a pedophile into a kid’s meal… no joke, true story. Another thing I wonder about the taboo, could it have come into our minds that this is a bad thing because one person tried the wrong person and got sick? Maybe somebody didn’t have the stomach for… Chinese, and the whole position on cannibalism has been deterred ever since! There’s another possibility we have to consider about the wonders of cannibalism; different people will taste different. Be honest, most Pringles taste alike, but certain flavors are better than others. If anyone is willing to tell me the honey mustard Pringles are better I will nun chuk you… and possibly eat you… it’ll depend on the flavor.

With all this discussion, I wouldn’t blame anyone for stopping and leaving the discussion, perhaps in disgust and this seems to be the response the cannibalism brings to any conversation. We can’t talk about it, because anyone involved in the act cannot be trusted. His mind is elsewhere and when you talk of peace, he is thinking about making your legs into chicken wings. In order for society to maintain a demeanor of civility, cannibalism has to be a taboo. We can hardly trust each other as it is, I mean, it’s obvious we can’t trust rich people; I mean, come on… they eat children! I added that last part… rich people eat babies… tiny, innocent, defenseless… cut little babies.

So tell me, if you could eat people, what would your favorite flavor be?

A List of my Top Five Favorite Cannibals

5) large night of the living dead blu-rayx2This Girl from ‘Night of the Living Dead‘  – Nothing personal against her, but this scene and her pure enjoyment really brings home the terror that the people inside the house were feeling. You can see the excitement at what she’s doing, eating human flesh and as a decent human being your normal reaction is revulsion. Good for her, proud of you girl! This scene from a classic was the true terror of the movie and helped to bring home the nightmare.

4) aPaTEbKH3cHG0BedikpYZiGyJlMIt’s Justin Bieber – [No Photo Available] Just kiddin’… but yo, Justin hook me up with some human meat! The people under the stairs showed how just because you eat people… you aint bad people! The People Under the Stairs were actually tortured souls who sought revenge against their oppressors. There’s a political statement there, maybe even one FOR cannibalism. Read between the lines!

3)His name's Bob.. Bob has....Bub (Day of the Dead) – The kinda funny character of Bub in ‘Day of the Dead’ helped to make the apocalypse and cannibalism funny. Even Bub seemed to be a better human, or sub-human than those who were still alive, as he cared for his master and only wanted a bit of human flesh. Is that too much to ask?

2) leatherface_by_britzombiegirl-d56tyq9Leather Face – If you really need a picture to know what Leather Face looks like… then the terrorists win. Leather Face and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series helps to bring home cannibalism and the benefits of madness, while instilling one with family values and tradition, dare I say… sophistication?

1) hannibal Dr. Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs) – A sophisticated cannibal, truly the exemplary candidate to represent our… I mean, the cannibal society. What I like most is how he represents a sort of rebel a person would not suspect out of a mindless cannibal. Most people who think of eating people consider it a mindless act of desperation, but Dr. Lecter takes a certain enjoyment, perhaps even a scientific fascination in the act. Truly, a model citizen of the world and in my mind, a candidate for Cannibal of the Year. He’s got my vote.

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Revenge? Challenge Accepted

It’sa cute lil innocent chillin’… don’t stare directly at him.

I’ve been going through a long list of movies on Netflix, not just horror movies, in fact my fascination has brought me to the very fine depths of insanity to which I have watched FDR: American Badass, and nearly submitted myself to watching ‘Hobo With a Shotgun‘. I’m not there yet, suffice it to say that the last movie I watched was ‘Barbarella‘ with a young and amazing looking Jane Fonda… and for those who are wondering, yes I would still make sweet love to Jane Fonda. But what I’m writing has nothing to do with that, this post is about revenge. I will have my revenge…

It’s pretty funny to think that there is actually a movie category for revenge, but if you look hard enough it’s there. Revenge is something that has fascinated humanity since the dawn of time; many of our stories are founded on the principles of karma and evil people getting what they deserve. We all want evil people to get what they deserve, though it seems that life hardly ever works out that way.

Me… I WILL have my revenge, you can count on that, but here are just a few of the movies I found on Netflix under the category ‘revenge’ that are watchable, either out of the hilarity of the situation, or because the story is worth watching.

5) Seed – Though I don’t know why a writer would want a deranged lunatic to look like the hero, somehow they do it! A lunatic miraculously survives the death penalty and is set free… wait, why, can’t you just take him out back and shoot him in the head? Huge plot hole, but I still enjoyed most of the movie. It was more graphic with… every scene, which tried to make up for the lack of a story, maybe because whoever wrote it wanted you to forget it was basically a madman taking revenge on cops who wanted to make the world a better place. Not horrible, though… worth at least a fourth place spot.
4) Cherry Bomb – A hot stripper takes revenge on a group of scumbags that take advantage of her. It’s graphic enough to make up for the lack of a story, though there’s a sexy stripper kicking ass throughout, so how much of a story do you need?
3) Pumpkin Head I & II – I love these movies, but the fact that they needed a second, you know, because he couldn’t get revenge enough in the first one, is beyond me. In the first, you will find Lance Henriksen, who is perhaps the finest actor of our generation. No… that’s a bit much, but I do like him… top five, maybe. The murderer is a helpless simpleton who the townsfolk treat like a piñata and hang from a tree. He becomes an ultimate revenge machine, an ugly beast that brings a curse on this evil town. Good times… good times.
2) Trailer Park of Terror – Right off the bat you can tell this was an awesome movie… it has ‘trailer park’ and ‘terror’ in the same sentence. This revenge story has a young beautiful girl who gets corrupted by the sacrilegious ways of the people of her community… a trailer park, despite her efforts to better herself. Seeking revenge… hey, is that the devil or Trace Adkins… you know, that country dude? It was amusing seeing the trailer park clan as zombies and how the young girl makes them basically into her slaves… good for you!
1) The Funhouse – Again… it’s the simple story of a murderer trying to get his revenge, but still… it is revenge. A group of kids decide to stay in a funhouse at a carnival over night, but when they are witness to a murder and something even more horrifying they must now escape before the evil creature that lurks inside can make them its next victim. Not bad, even with the cheesy seventies effects.

Alright, yes, before anyone says anything ‘The Crow’ is definitely one of the best revenge movies ever, but these are a few I just wanted you to know… you’re welcome… But I still want Jane Fonda… frowny face.

…And I’ll Never Get My $10 BAKCKCKC!!!!

Somebody in this world learn from my story

Somebody in this world learn from my story

It’s still a pretty sore subject, but I’d better talk it out before it eats me alive. Okay… here goes… I finally broke down and bought a movie I’ve been wanting to see. Normally, as a rule, I don’t buy movies, since there are so many viable options. Netflix let me down and did not have it; I guess since the network with thousands of movies on it didn’t have it I should have taken that as a warning. Sure, there will be people who will say, I shouldn’t complain, because it was on sale for ten ninety-five? I don’t care… I’m still gonna, because this is America and when you put out a crappy product an American should have the right to his money back!

This IS America and I want my M-O-N-E-Y back! I refuse to let Hollywood sexually assault my senses with their vulgarity; I took a chance with your crappy movie and lost, oh well time to give up! NO! Tyrants do NOT get away with their bullshit in this country! I want a redo! Gimme my money back! The government should have some kind of warning system in place for this situation, a rotten tomatoes run by certified government agents! How about we appoint a panel of Bruce CampbellStephen KingJohn Carpenter… Elvira (Since she’s seen her share of crappy movies) and Tom Savini. They’ll oversee the quality of every horror movie to pass as credible and themselves be the judges of their quality. Something has to happen; I’m no longer speaking for myself anymore… this is about all of us. We’ve all wasted our money on a movie that will never pay off; it hurts, because it’s like the actors, the directors and producers are all lying to us. Hollywood stop lying… oh yeah, and give me my mother F@#$ing ten dollars back!

Five Movies That Are MY Mortal Enemies

5) Original and Remake of Last House on the Left – not into rape, not into porn… okay, just not into this crapfest.
4) The Hills Have Eyes I & II – Wasted my money in theatres on this piece of SH@#
3) Excision – not the worst that I bought… good for you!
2) Rob Zombie’s Halloween 2 and Haunted World of El Superbeasto – Strike one and two Rob Zombie… one and two
1) The Village – the movie that inspired me to make M. Night Shyamalan my mortal enemy. Keep up the bad work big guy!

Probably not the worst of the worst, but a few that hurt me in a way I want to seek revenge and murder them… hey, that could be an idea for a crappy movie!!!

ZombieDateDotCom

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http://mingle2.com/zombieharmony/free-dating-sites

I felt the need to bring this to everyone’s attention because, well lets face it, zombies deserve to get laid as much as anyone. I’m setting up my account for when I die, because there is no doubt in my mind that when it happens I will come back ten times more powerful and destroy the world, but I don’t wanna do it alone. I need someone to be with me when I’m a zombie, so that our spirits won’t have to bone in the afterlife.

Zombie fetisheseseseses are gonna be the new wave… I’m callin’ it… you’re welcome. Zombie porn is a thing I know this, as is vampire porn, because for whatever reason people like getting bit. I’m not here to judge, though I feel the variety of different… ‘perversions’ shows the utter insanity in our very nature. Even implying that we have a single nature, one idea that unifies us as a species; this idea of unification is bizarre… not as bizarre as zombie porn, but still. No matter how hard you try to label humanity, every definition falls short. Can anyone really link in a coherent fashion Einstein’s Relativity and… zombie porn. I surely would not want to meet this person, as such logic is beyond the greatest of human minds. Maybe a more deranged mind could figure it out… maybe I’m thinking too hard and there’s somebody out there who gets it. No doubt, he’s preaching on a soapbox in Times Square wearing his underwear as a protective helmet against demon Jedi mindtricks. Trust this guy with your life… no doubt he WON’T lead you astray.

Everyone has at least one doubt within us that there is any coherent bond within the world and it is fortified by the utter chaos we are bombarded by on a daily basis. To not have this doubt, that is crazy. When everything seems to be flowing beyond our control, we reach for the bizarre and it somehow becomes the norm. Normal is a made up word, as they all are, but it has no concrete meaning. Normal is relative, what we must worry about is when our crazy/normals collide. See, for example, the Crusades, 9/11, and any number of the horror movies I watch. You live long enough on this planet and you realize normal is only hindered by the craziest thing you can imagine.

2) Disney is to Pedophiles, as the Necronomicon is to the Dead

Seems legit

Seems legit

If I could get more donations I promise everyone I could search better places for the Necronomicon. Granted, I haven’t asked for money, but is that really necessary for this level of dedication? On a routine excursion in Disney World I ran into an odd occurrence; odd, hopefully for Disney World. The dead didn’t dance, but a truly disturbing sight I did see, as a gentlemen came up to two ladies and offered to take a picture of their kids. The women, thinking the man meant to take a picture with THEIR camera of them with THEIR kids gratefully obliged. The man took a step back and proceeded to take a few pictures of the ladies’ kids, as they posed uncomfortably against the back drop of playful dinosaurs with happy, smiling faces. The mothers looked on in horror, as the man smiled and politely thanked them, then was on his way. Everyone saw and everyone watched. What a world we live in… couldn’t find the Necronomicon though… good times.

Not entirely sure what to make of the fact that the happiest place on earth could entice such predators, it makes you wonder if there is an aura, or an unwritten wisdom that attracts people to certain energies. Sure, everyone knows kids will be at Disney World, but what if there is a sort of undercurrent that attracts people into different traps, or palaces, or dangerous places. Perhaps, a person could think they are setting out on an adventure, they wouldn’t even know why they are going; maybe there is a powerful force that moves the world, maybe even several forces that move for good, for evil, or even self satisfaction. With so many energies, how could a human being know of which energy to follow; how could we know what is right and wrong in such a savage world? Can we listen to our heart if it is filled with the energy of the Necronomicon, or a place filled with negative energy; our fields could become so strained that our wits would not be about us. Somehow, we must find the right energies to guide ourselves and to guide the world. Maybe then, we will synchronize with this power and set the world in harmony.

A Perfectly Logical Discussion About Boomsticks

Classic Bruce... Respect.

Classic Bruce… Respect.

There are perfectly logical reasons for a person to need a cache of automatic/nuclear weapons in his basement that nobody seems to understand. What if zombies form into a semiconscious legion and decide to attack in a cognitive formation? What if man-bear-pig decides to go godzilla! and attacks New York City? What if Jesus calls upon you to lead his army of the righteous against Satan‘s conglomeration of evil men? See… a totally soundproof, logical array of questions.

People who are against gun rights live in a perfectly logical world, one that doesn’t exist. These people are high on whatever chemicals the corporations that run this country are pumping into our air; they’ve polluted the air, the water, the land; it’s all rotting with feces and nuclear waste and for some reason these people live in a world where vampires don’t exist. A person’s logic can be his greatest asset or enemy, the key to determining either is his level of dependency. There is no logical reason to own a gun… maybe that’s why the most illogical people want them so badly. The world is not a logical place and it might not be encumbered by Lovecraftian nightmares, but it is under the firm grip of a myriad of stupid, evil little creatures that think they can control the world.

It is illogical to always look to the ‘worst case scenario’, but in an instant the world can change and our logical world can be uprooted. Imagine a world where you need a gun, where the world has gone insane and the only protection you have for your family is a bit of cold steel that makes bad people disappear. In a flash, you can be the insane one, whose nightmares are behind every corner; you could find yourself being laughed at for hoping for the best in mankind, for there is little of that in a world that has gone completely insane.

Feed My Frankenstein

Scary lookin', right?

Scary lookin’, right?

Could mankind create something so powerful it would find the capability to destroy itself? These are the things I think about when you’re all at work. Such a feat would be as a star collapsing unto itself, which is a documented phenomenon in the universe, so who is to say humanity could not implode under its own stupidity (or cleverness)? It doesn’t have to be that mankind creates a massive weapon capable of total obliteration, maybe it could be that humanity creates the circumstances of a total nightmare scenario; an end times full of zombies and Frankenstein monsters and Hitler‘s for president. We sow the seeds of our destruction every day, but as to what actually grows is entirely up to us.

Frankenstein’s monster was mankind’s remedy for death, which is the incurable evil we deal with on a daily basis. When we see something wrong we try to improve upon it, we try to make it better, not understanding the consequences we might bring about. Horror movies tackle this issue of human tinkering on a number of occasions, and if you look at human history ‘tinkering’ is a word and a phenomenon that is alive and thriving; I’m sure we can all think of another besides Frankenstein… how about, ‘The Brain That Wouldn’t Die‘. In this story, a doctor, who is working on several mysterious experiments, gets into a car accident, where his wife is beheaded and killed. He tries to keep her alive, but what she becomes… or more accurately, what her head becomes, is a transmogrification of her former beauty. His success in keeping her alive only serves to mock his experiments and the love they once shared. His other experiment, a sort of Frankenstein beast, which he keeps locked in a closet is yet another glaring example of mankind’s failure to find perfection in his endeavors. The two experiments conspire against him and are inevitably his ruin, yet another example of mankind inciting his own demise. Good movie, by the way.

[Insert Jokes Here]

[Insert Jokes Here]

Okay, if I am being honest… it wasn’t a good movie, but I enjoyed it. I also appreciate the message of a person being destroyed by his work, if only for that work to thrive in its own right. A work may go on, but its creator must be destroyed; the old is constantly in battle with the new, it is the lowest form of tribalism left in our society. Be it Frankenstein’s monster, or a human head giving orders to a half human cannibal… what is the point to our judgment when we are capable of such terrifying monstrosities? Think for yourself of the walking… ‘Running’ dead of Twenty-Eight Days Later, think of the sharks in Deep Blue Sea… think of the atom bomb and never consider the possibility that mankind will bring about his ruin.

Most certainly, mankind WILL bring about his own demise… but think of all the good that will be done once we are erased from the planet’s unfathomable data banks!