I’m a big fan of Evil Dead, of Bruce Campbell and many such horror movies, but one question none of these movies ever seem to answer is why the dead always seem to have a bizarre moment of extreme pervertion. Zombies are into their biting fetish, vampires too, and the deadites! Don’t even get me started on the deadites! Dudes are always talking about ‘swallowin’ your soul’ and demanding that we join them, it makes you wonder what level of horniness the dead are workin’ at, as opposed to say an average human being.
Say, for example, the average twenty-one year old man is operating at a ten out of ten on a scale of horniness, which decreases with age, but most men are workin’ with at least an eight on the horniness scale, where would we put a deadite? Deadites must be working on at least a twelve… my guess being fifteen, with how touchy feely they get with the women in these movies. Aliens too, they have to be at least a fifteen, with all the probing and weird sex stuff. Wild how horny these things are, almost like they are some imaginary archetype for the human psyche.
If the dead are to be the human psyche, than what would that make the young women who become their not usually willing sacrifices? They can be said to be every man’s fantasy: a willing concubine to carry on whatever sick fetish he has in mind. Take, for example, Return of the Living Dead and a scene that can only be said to be inexplicable. About twenty minutes into the movie, the group of rambunctious teens, another horror cliche, moves their party to a cemetery, where one of the ‘queens of scream’ Linnea Quigley, rips off her clothes and performs a ceremonial dance to her dark gods. No one is exactly sure what brought on this fury inside her, it could either be the human psyche taking control, or the fascination of the undead willing her to perform this necrophiliac strip tease.
When the world finally finds the Necronomicon it’s gonna end up being a twelve-hundred page Sumerian form of Playboy; the first dirty book. Imagine all that forbidden knowledge, sorta like a playbook for sex. That would make sense, the one thing nobody talks about is how horny these ghosts and vampires are… good thing an honest dude like me can bring it to your attention.