Last of the Clam Fighters


“For what shall it profit a man if he gain the world and lose his soul.”

-Mark 8:36

There is an old saying used by every man burned by fortune, it goes ‘your first instinct is usually right’. What does that say about what our unconscious mind thinks of humanity, or even ourselves? Have you ever seen a woman fighting in a movie and a man comes and tackles her and performs that bit of ‘movie magic’, where he beats the girl down by giving her a quick smack, thus ending the fight. It’s good because the editing of Hollywood allows you to think ‘oh good, the barbarian degenerates have a conscience and aren’t going to rape her!’ Chick bett’a fight hard’a! Say what you want about ‘Peace on Earth‘ and ‘Good will toward man’, but does anyone really believe what we’re saying? When confronted by the unremitting face of human cruelty, maybe it comes down to whether we believe in monster.

There is a movie coming out soon that brings back old memories, memories that I’m not too sure how I feel about. The movie is Pacific Rim, which stars Charlie Day, who I love, though the idea is not to my greatest interest. The idea I remember well as a child, as the Godzilla movies would be on every so often and I would watch them for as long as I could. Every movie was pretty much the same, with subtle variance, such as a giant moth instead of a three headed dragon, though the story was pretty much the same. As a child, I loved the idea of an overwhelming terror that could wipe out an entire country, and sure, I am a bit depraved, but how can anyone explain this away?

Shit was crazy! Godzilla ran up on a town and tore shit up, people like, ‘oh shit it’s Godzilla!‘ an Godzilla stompin’ ’em out like ‘say somethin’ people, say somethin’… good times. It’s gotten to the point that if that happened now I’d welcome it. I’d probably be that one in the crowd of lunatics asking for Godzilla’s autograph! I still blame Godzilla for that tsunami a while back… but I haven’t done enough research on the matter. It’s been a while since anyone’s seen Godzilla, he could be dead by this point. We might need a new monster to terrify us. Not like global warming… it needs to be something people believe in… good joke. Let’s be honest, though, this climate change bullshit is taking much too long… we need a hero to kill us off quickly, humanity needs to go out with a bang!

Guess which one's our president?

Guess which one’s our president?



The ‘Montauk Monster‘ was only the beginning… Godzilla’s corpse might not have been found… yet, but imagine what secrets are waiting for us in the ocean. With all the stories coming out about things creeping up that no one can explain, with that weird ‘Red Tide‘ phenomenon that poisons the ocean… who knows what the real terrifying monster that will come up will be. Maybe it will be climate change! Maybe such an odd change in our world will bring about stranger things, like… oh, say…. a giant clam monster. Here is a picture of what that might look like:

That… might not be a clam monster… if I’m not mistaken…. that is Amanda Bynes. What the difference between them might be, I have no idea. Maybe the Monster Energy drinks… maybe all that high fructose corn syrup and sodium and methamphetamines in the air are creating a monster we couldn’t possibly comprehend. After all, humanity has found a way to destroy more than any giant lizard, or fifty foot woman… or kutulu beast. Maybe a child would rather believe in monsters, because the real monsters of the world are so much more unpredictable.

You’d think that the waters of our planet turning red would be enough for people to shit their pants, but it’s not. We believe in our nightmares… we are a terrifying monster and it takes a lot to get our attention. Red Tide is weird, but we can shrug that off as another crazy thing that happens on this earth, as there are so many that go beyond our comprehension… what is another weird thing on this planet? We are like the Godzilla monster wreaking havoc on Tokyo; we’ll

destroy more than half the town before we get the point. Our enemies won’t put up much of a fight, we’ll destroy everything in our path and end up giving up our quest to kill everything, returning back to the oceans, inexplicably. Such a moment is the end of man, when we return to the sea that birthed us… so poetic… even if it means the end of everything.


Full Moon ‘Pocalypse FukNSukFest 2013

True Story... of my life.

True Story… of my life.

Life is a gamble… and I’m gonna lay down all my money, which isn’t much, on the world ending between this Saturday and Sunday. Don’t laugh… you’re gonna look back at this moment and realized you heard the words of a prophet on his awesome blog and be like… I should’ve asked more questions. Go on, while we have a few days… ask me anything. The full moon coming this weekend will be the closest its been to the earth! Boom, you got a premise for one of the shittiest horror movies ever! That’s something major, especially from a guy who has repeatedly sat through ‘My Name is Bruce‘. It’s about love… I love Bruce Campbell. I’m not afraid to say it, I just wanna shout it from the rooftops… and I don’t have much time, since the world is gonna end this weekend.

Question: what would be the best way for me to show my love at the end of the world, how about a massive orgy? This will have to be world wide, just as the full moon is rising in that beautiful sky… actually, the night comes at different times, so we’ll have to do it in shifts. We’ll start from one side of the world and continue onward, until the day is done and the world is ended. Hopefully, by that point, the world IS over… boy, that’ll be an awkward morning. I don’t think the world will last long if we have to remember each other naked; society might just fold with that forbidden knowledge.

My prediction that the force of the moon pulling on the oceans will unleash the Kutulu beast from his grave beneath the ocean… I have yet to substantiate this theory. It’s happening… and you will look me up after we’re all dead. I’ll start a page for any information you might have, but hurry up… it’s gonna happen this weekend! Kutulu will rise, we will get reports out of the Atlantic Ocean… that’s right, the ocean does reporting. People will see the massive Kutulu beast rising out of the ocean… the terrorists win… I don’t know what that has to do with it. Kutulu will eat the moon and poop it back at us… messed up, right? Those who survive, if we haven’t organized the FukNSukFest… we will then. You’ll all wanna and I’ll be like, ‘oh you were all too good to do it before the earth was killed, now you wanna have a freak fest because the reality is obvious!’ Such hypocrites, You’ll thank me someday.

Amazing to think that there could be such powerful forces at work in the world, ones that could bring mankind to ruin despite his best efforts. We try so hard to aim for perfection, nobody ever things that a sunspot will be the reason they lose everything. Nobody thinks the moon will effect them, the stars… a comet heading for earth. Kind of makes you feel insignificant… kind’a makes those tools that don’t use ‘YOLO’ ironically seem philosophical. Imagine working hard your entire life and one day it falls apart because the moon decided to get too close to the earth. You see, Fuknsukfest 2013 seems like a good idea now, doesn’t it?

Please… world… I think we should really get this together, you know, one last hoorah! What hope do we really have against the universe anyway? YOLO!….. I’m sorry for that. I’ll never do it again…. if somebody helps me organize the Full Moon ‘Pocalypse FukNSukFest 2013. You’re welcome America… My gift to you. Enjoy the apocalypse folks!


PS4… More Like… PS BORE… U kin keep that one

Go on… look at him… and his come hither mustache.

This is still about horror… the horror of reality. This is the Tao of a sacred world that is locked within your PS3, your Xbox… your mind. Whoa…. I’m a little less blogger a little more prophet! In video games, there are those who play to live a fantasy life and all they want is to be free to live their fake life. Sometimes in video games, there are some who won’t let you be and choose to kill, bother, or otherwise annoy, until a glorious video game hero stands up for those too weak to stand.

The hero kills the villain, freeing the video game world of one bully, who is sent to limbo… and forced to start another account. Herein, we come to the central dilemma… in fantasy land. The bullies always die to return again and again. Luckily, so do the heroes, and as the bullies life fades the heroes can only get stronger. If the will of the hero is mighty… and he is willing to hit restart for as many times as it takes… he will defeat the villain. Restarts are not limited to the hero, for the villain has spent just as much as the hero… roughly $59.99.

And yay, though the hero and the villain contend for dominion in a realm that nobody really gives a shit about… here I sit, with Cheetos on one side and a Mountain Dew on the other. No matter who wins, Hero Holds Dominion… Villain Holds Dominion… it is I Who Holds Dominion! I am such a winner, with my gaming chair built for hours of comfort and my mind melded to the machine of my choice, normally a Playstation 3. I choose the PS3, because I like the controllers, but one cannot hate on the Xbox. Many is the man who will nullify his integrity by playing on a 3DS. There have been many wars between those who worship the Nintendo products and those who choose another, for the mighty cling to the tattered ideology of ‘the plumber’ and the ‘Legends’ lost to ‘Zelda’. I am no hater when it comes to either form of fantasy worship… and hope for peace to come to both sides… if only in fantasy land.


It's either the lead singer from Pantera, one of the clowns from 'Killer Clowns from Outer Space'... or Amanda Bynes.

It’s either the lead singer from Pantera, one of the clowns from ‘Killer Clowns from Outer Space’… or Amanda Bynes.

Though some people won’t admit it, one of the great moments of any horror movie is when they finally reveal the great evil that is plaguing these innocent bystanders, to which we have become as witness to their great fight for survival. It’s almost as if we want to be told what the great evil is, like we can’t figure out that in ‘Paranormal Activity‘, or the many sequels that are now out and will be out, that the monster is a ghost, or how about in ‘The Giant Gila Monster‘… need I say more. If you didn’t figure out what the monster is, or what it looks like… then maybe YOU”RE the monster! What a twist! Surprise endings can suck too, especially when they come in the form of child stars that seem to be imploding.

Oh, Amanda Bynes… what is happening to you… Amanda, manda, manda, manda shooooowowoowooowowow! Nope, still goin’ crazy? Well, I did my part. Chances are this is just another child star who won’t make it. What I can’t figure out is that if it is something genetic that happens to certain people under the conditions of a Hollywood lifestyle, or if Hollywood itself is some kind of massive horror story playing out to the Biblical Sodom and Gomorrah. If that’s true, then I owe a LOT of preachers a few written letters of apology. I think I’ll wait on that, while I try to get people to donate to my research on the subject. What I find even more Mine?terrifying is that this goolish looking creature can be born from this… to the right, pal.—>

One of the worst things about this picture is we know the outcome. There’s nothing worse than seeing the train coming, but not being able to stop it and sometimes, though Hollywood can come up with a few good ideas… the real creativity of the world is few and far between. Sometimes the bad guys do win… sometimes the monsters that infect us… sometimes they overrun the earth. Starship Troopers or not, sometimes the hero does not make it. Maybe the greatest sin Hollywood has to offer, with all of its beautiful people, is that a person with great dreams can be too hopeful. Sure, we can see the humor in a giant gila monster attacking, but when the nightmare becomes reality and there is nothing you can do to stop it… there’s something more terrifying than the monster. The monster comes to represent the utter helplessness that a life can inspire. It can represent a loss of hope, the victory of fear over a decent world… a loss of a decent human being to an unspeakable lunacy. In all honesty, did she get in touch with the doctor who did Michael Jackson’s nose and think ‘Yeah, this is gonna work!’

Seeing this utter helplessness, or seeing the nightmare made reality in any horror movie helps to remind us that the point of life is to live beyond such fear. Everyone knows that the Amanda Bynes monster does not exist… or does it? If you allow fear to take you, then the terrorists win. Freddy Krueger and Jason aren’t real, but there are monsters in this world and it is good that horror movies remind us of this, though the scenario might be hyper-real, the simulation is still valid for our appreciation.