Last of the Clam Fighters


“For what shall it profit a man if he gain the world and lose his soul.”

-Mark 8:36

There is an old saying used by every man burned by fortune, it goes ‘your first instinct is usually right’. What does that say about what our unconscious mind thinks of humanity, or even ourselves? Have you ever seen a woman fighting in a movie and a man comes and tackles her and performs that bit of ‘movie magic’, where he beats the girl down by giving her a quick smack, thus ending the fight. It’s good because the editing of Hollywood allows you to think ‘oh good, the barbarian degenerates have a conscience and aren’t going to rape her!’ Chick bett’a fight hard’a! Say what you want about ‘Peace on Earth‘ and ‘Good will toward man’, but does anyone really believe what we’re saying? When confronted by the unremitting face of human cruelty, maybe it comes down to whether we believe in monster.

There is a movie coming out soon that brings back old memories, memories that I’m not too sure how I feel about. The movie is Pacific Rim, which stars Charlie Day, who I love, though the idea is not to my greatest interest. The idea I remember well as a child, as the Godzilla movies would be on every so often and I would watch them for as long as I could. Every movie was pretty much the same, with subtle variance, such as a giant moth instead of a three headed dragon, though the story was pretty much the same. As a child, I loved the idea of an overwhelming terror that could wipe out an entire country, and sure, I am a bit depraved, but how can anyone explain this away?

Shit was crazy! Godzilla ran up on a town and tore shit up, people like, ‘oh shit it’s Godzilla!‘ an Godzilla stompin’ ’em out like ‘say somethin’ people, say somethin’… good times. It’s gotten to the point that if that happened now I’d welcome it. I’d probably be that one in the crowd of lunatics asking for Godzilla’s autograph! I still blame Godzilla for that tsunami a while back… but I haven’t done enough research on the matter. It’s been a while since anyone’s seen Godzilla, he could be dead by this point. We might need a new monster to terrify us. Not like global warming… it needs to be something people believe in… good joke. Let’s be honest, though, this climate change bullshit is taking much too long… we need a hero to kill us off quickly, humanity needs to go out with a bang!

Guess which one's our president?

Guess which one’s our president?



The ‘Montauk Monster‘ was only the beginning… Godzilla’s corpse might not have been found… yet, but imagine what secrets are waiting for us in the ocean. With all the stories coming out about things creeping up that no one can explain, with that weird ‘Red Tide‘ phenomenon that poisons the ocean… who knows what the real terrifying monster that will come up will be. Maybe it will be climate change! Maybe such an odd change in our world will bring about stranger things, like… oh, say…. a giant clam monster. Here is a picture of what that might look like:

That… might not be a clam monster… if I’m not mistaken…. that is Amanda Bynes. What the difference between them might be, I have no idea. Maybe the Monster Energy drinks… maybe all that high fructose corn syrup and sodium and methamphetamines in the air are creating a monster we couldn’t possibly comprehend. After all, humanity has found a way to destroy more than any giant lizard, or fifty foot woman… or kutulu beast. Maybe a child would rather believe in monsters, because the real monsters of the world are so much more unpredictable.

You’d think that the waters of our planet turning red would be enough for people to shit their pants, but it’s not. We believe in our nightmares… we are a terrifying monster and it takes a lot to get our attention. Red Tide is weird, but we can shrug that off as another crazy thing that happens on this earth, as there are so many that go beyond our comprehension… what is another weird thing on this planet? We are like the Godzilla monster wreaking havoc on Tokyo; we’ll

destroy more than half the town before we get the point. Our enemies won’t put up much of a fight, we’ll destroy everything in our path and end up giving up our quest to kill everything, returning back to the oceans, inexplicably. Such a moment is the end of man, when we return to the sea that birthed us… so poetic… even if it means the end of everything.


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