Another Racist Forest

nc_swastika_forest_ll_130705_16x9_992People, when are we going to learn that we can do much better without this hateful, hateful planet? Here is yet another bit of proof that the planet does not care about us and we would be better off without it. The forests have been growing swastikas for decades! Just as the people who suffered under the terrible tragedies of World War Two were fading into history, these trees made us remember. This, on the cusp of the great disequilibrium of our oceans, the deterioration of our atmosphere and the over-exposure of our land. Do you think the planet is trying to tell us something? Damn right, that rotten bitch wants us dead!

She defeated the dinosaurs, but this rotten bitch isn’t gonna take us down! U-S-A, U-S-A! Mass extinction is the least of our problems, we can’t let her win; this planet is one stinking death trap; the dinosaurs weren’t even the first to fall; so many innocent creatures have been killed by this planet, when will the madness end? People of earth, it is time to send this bipolar bitch a message, ‘we are human hear us roar!’ Our first start must be in ramping up industry, we need to build more factories that create more pollution, we need to lift bans on burning carbon, or anything that is for ‘saving the environment’. We need to take this bitch down… she hasn’t killed us yet, let’s show her who’s boss. Tankers! We need to start letting tankers dump in the oceans! Matter of fact, how about all chemical waste, as well as medical industries are given a license to dump in whichever ocean is convenient? If we need to show our planet who’s boss, why not start with the oceans?

The oceans are the heart of our planet and there is no doubt our planet it waiting to unleash the dreadful Kutulu beast from its dreadful, empty

This isn't over... BITCH

This isn’t over… BITCH


How many more creatures need to be wiped off the planet before you people will learn? This planet could make itself more presentable, maybe tidy up the place from time to time, but she refuses; she’s always trying to assert her dominion over us. Fuck that bitch! Fuck yo’ couch… planet! She could make the air smell like chocolate, or make us live forever, but she doesn’t want that; she wants us dependent on her, such a slut! It’s only a matter of time before she puts something in the air that makes us write crazy shit like this and pollute the planet further! Why… why would she want that… it’s almost as if she wants us wiped off the planet. Maybe all of this industry, this pollution, this mass of fanatics that run the world… maybe it’s all to guide humanity to its destruction. The planet could have a clean slate after that… rotten bitch.

We don’t have time for rational discussions. People, start spraying chemicals in the air, run your cars and air conditioners 24/7… there are no small people… we all need to do our part. Big business is doing all it can… are you really gonna let them show you up? Maybe the planet doesn’t want us dead, maybe it wants itself dead. Maybe the planet wants to be put out of its misery? If it gave us life, maybe we owe it this one thing… save the planet, kill it off, quickly.


Surf Nazi 4th of July Bash!

Worst movie ever to make me examine my life with a greater introspection... thank you surf Nazis...

Worst movie ever to make me examine my life with a greater introspection… thank you surf Nazis

There is an epic battle for the worst movie ever made and the quest cannot be complete without mention of ‘Surf Nazis Must Die!’ What I like most about the movie? The alleged ‘actors’ on the IMDB page were respectful enough to give their names, but only one used his picture. As if a respectable person wouldn’t want to be recognized with such a time altering piece of art! It’s as if Led Zeppelin wouldn’t want to be known for ‘Stairway to Heaven’!

And… I know what you’re thinking… the first word you see is ‘Nazi’ and you’re like ‘I can’t watch a movie about Nazis!’ You’re a decent human being and I respect that… but the word ‘Surf Nazi’, as I must assure you, is something altogether different. Sure… their leader is named Hitler, and he is with a crazy chick who happens to be named ‘Eva’, whom he kinda rapes, though it’s hard to tell when people are surfing around them. The Surf Nazis use these catchy names, like Mengele… but I assure you these Nazis are all about the American Dream.

The story starts with the Nazis taking over their turf along the beaches of California, where they have to beat many stereotypical gangs… it is kinda racist… so yeah. When they kill a young black man who’s minding his business, the man’s grandmother takes revenge. I don’t wanna ruin too much of the movie for you, because I’m sure you’re all going to go watch it now, but grannie gets revenge. Grannie does not mess around… tearin’ the Nazis apart and getting her revenge; the reign of the Surf Nazis does not last long.

I’m thinking of making a kickstarter and getting funding for the remake… I’d better hop on this idea fast. So many people are gonna read about the Surf Nazis and try to take my idea. I’m thinking of getting Dolph Lundgren to play Adolf… or maybe Steve Buscemi. For the all important role of Eva I’m thinkin’ Jennifer Lawrence. It’s not because I think she’s a Nazi, or that she looks anything like the former Eva… I just like to see her in movies. Not to mention I could see Dolph Lundgren forcing himself on her at the beach… no offense. I’m kinda thinkin’ we’re gonna need Jessie ‘the Body’ Ventura in this one… maybe as Mengele. Not sure, but we need him for this project… he’s a ‘god damn sexual tyrannosaur!’ While we’re at it, how about a few rewrites so we can add Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage? The grandma… I’m thinking Oprah would be appropriate, or maybe it can just be Michael Jai White and we’ll throw him in a fat suit like Martin Lawrence. Y’all saw ‘Big Mama’s House‘… how did that work out? Would any one argue with that? All two of us who watched the movie say my rewrites are gonna be fine! I’m gonna need to write this fast, since I’m thinking I’ll have it out before fourth of July, which is today. I could give it a year for writing, but I doubt the people who threw the original together didn’t give it half of that consideration. Needs to be out for fourth of July… for the troops… for the troops.

Matter of fact, how about we do a special stage performance of ‘Surf Nazis Must Die!’ performed by the original cast. How much would you pay and be honest… no bullshittin’?

Have a great Fourth of July.