There is an epic battle for the worst movie ever made and the quest cannot be complete without mention of ‘Surf Nazis Must Die!’ http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0094077/ What I like most about the movie? The alleged ‘actors’ on the IMDB page were respectful enough to give their names, but only one used his picture. As if a respectable person wouldn’t want to be recognized with such a time altering piece of art! It’s as if Led Zeppelin wouldn’t want to be known for ‘Stairway to Heaven’!
And… I know what you’re thinking… the first word you see is ‘Nazi’ and you’re like ‘I can’t watch a movie about Nazis!’ You’re a decent human being and I respect that… but the word ‘Surf Nazi’, as I must assure you, is something altogether different. Sure… their leader is named Hitler, and he is with a crazy chick who happens to be named ‘Eva’, whom he kinda rapes, though it’s hard to tell when people are surfing around them. The Surf Nazis use these catchy names, like Mengele… but I assure you these Nazis are all about the American Dream.
The story starts with the Nazis taking over their turf along the beaches of California, where they have to beat many stereotypical gangs… it is kinda racist… so yeah. When they kill a young black man who’s minding his business, the man’s grandmother takes revenge. I don’t wanna ruin too much of the movie for you, because I’m sure you’re all going to go watch it now, but grannie gets revenge. Grannie does not mess around… tearin’ the Nazis apart and getting her revenge; the reign of the Surf Nazis does not last long.
I’m thinking of making a kickstarter and getting funding for the remake… I’d better hop on this idea fast. So many people are gonna read about the Surf Nazis and try to take my idea. I’m thinking of getting Dolph Lundgren to play Adolf… or maybe Steve Buscemi. For the all important role of Eva I’m thinkin’ Jennifer Lawrence. It’s not because I think she’s a Nazi, or that she looks anything like the former Eva… I just like to see her in movies. Not to mention I could see Dolph Lundgren forcing himself on her at the beach… no offense. I’m kinda thinkin’ we’re gonna need Jessie ‘the Body’ Ventura in this one… maybe as Mengele. Not sure, but we need him for this project… he’s a ‘god damn sexual tyrannosaur!’ While we’re at it, how about a few rewrites so we can add Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage? The grandma… I’m thinking Oprah would be appropriate, or maybe it can just be Michael Jai White and we’ll throw him in a fat suit like Martin Lawrence. Y’all saw ‘Big Mama’s House‘… how did that work out? Would any one argue with that? All two of us who watched the movie say my rewrites are gonna be fine! I’m gonna need to write this fast, since I’m thinking I’ll have it out before fourth of July, which is today. I could give it a year for writing, but I doubt the people who threw the original together didn’t give it half of that consideration. Needs to be out for fourth of July… for the troops… for the troops.
Matter of fact, how about we do a special stage performance of ‘Surf Nazis Must Die!’ performed by the original cast. How much would you pay and be honest… no bullshittin’?
Have a great Fourth of July.