A Complete Mind Rape in Salem (spoilers)

After watching a Rob Zombie I am always knocked into silence.

I never know how to respond. I can’t think of the words to express how I feel inside. Sometimes I feel joy and other times… my mind is fucked. A mind fuck is when you have undergone some sort of experience that leaves you speechless. I am left speechless. This is nothing new for a Rob Zombie film. ‘House of a Thousand Corpses’ left me speechless, but it was that happy calm that comes after a storm, as if I had made it through the wormhole and was now in ‘Wonderland’. Now, after watching ‘Lords of Salem… I don’t know where the fuck I AM! My mind has been raped. I’m not sure whether it’s because of the masturbating demons in black robes and weird halloween masks, or the inexplicable ‘Lucifer‘s baby’ who was just… just awesome. Hilarious would be another word for him, but who am I to judge the fat little demon bastard?

Rob Zombie and I have a long and frustrating history, as I once considered him a horror genius (House of a Thousand Corpses, Devil’s Rejects), but that opinion has shifted (Halloween 2, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto). I’ve figured he owes me roughly thirty dollars if you count the popcorn I had at the theatre, but let’s face it, I’m dumb enough that if he makes another horror film I’ll watch it again. In all, I can’t say ‘Lords of Salem’ was a bad film, because I don’t know how to explain it. I’m not sure what I’ve seen; my brain has yet to define it to me. I’m thinking I need to sit in the shower and rock back and forth, reminding myself that the world isn’t full of little demons that try to rape me. It might be… it might. Maybe, as a token of gratitude, Sherry Moon Zombie will get in and assure me everything is gonna be okay.

Probably not… probably not. The world really is full of demons.


‘American Mary’ Saves Halloween


Oh, sweet American Mary… no spoilers… I don’t wanna ruin this movie for anyone, but if movies about fringe surgeons who hack up chicks who wanna look like cartoon characters is cool consider her Miles Davis! What I found mesmerizing was how it isn’t about a slasher-madman exactly, but is about something that’s almost normal.

Surgery, but the darker side. We never consider what it takes to hack into a person; when a serial killer does it it’s a terrifying thing, but when a guy, or Mary, is willing to perform surgery to save a life it’s a tribute to humanity. In reality, we’re all a little fucked in the head… the difference is one side of the spectrum is celebrated. Really, it takes something ‘special’ to want to hack into somebody in the first place, whether you’re doing it because you want to save a life, or because you enjoy the thrill. Aren’t we all the same? Isn’t that what Martin Luther King Jr. was talking about?

This story follows how one particular (not to say all surgeons end up this way) promising young surgeon follows a dark path and makes it her own. American Mary makes her way in a dark, uncaring world… that’s what the American Dream is all about! When you’re watching some of the insanity unfold, the one thing you’ll notice is the believability; it’s because this bizarre tale follows a coherent storyline. It’s madness, purely stated, but presented in a believable way, by a coherent mind and I thank the directors Jen and Sylvia Soska for this affect. Not well acquainted with them, but if this wrapping of insanity is a demonstration of their genius I am grateful. It is a true art to see this tale of revenge presented with almost a hint of sadness that’s almost beyond perception to the mind; the sorrow is for the failure of life to manifest something greater. That’s all bullshit, I just enjoy watching Katharine Isabelle hack into people and make chicks look like Barbie dolls!

Alright… I don’t wanna ruin it for you… but… Betty Boop Strip tease… that is all. Not much of a scene, but something you can cross off your bucket list. Katharine Isabelle striptease, now that is a promise. She’s been in such classics as Ginger Snaps… that about does it. Oh yeah, Freddy vs. Jason, at least I enjoyed that one! There is something special about watching her slice up her victims… something almost endearing. Okay, that was too far. It’s just nice to see a beautiful girl gone insane; you see, people aren’t that different after all!

Quote of the movie – “You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong dick in your mouth”