A Complete Mind Rape in Salem (spoilers)

After watching a Rob Zombie I am always knocked into silence.

I never know how to respond. I can’t think of the words to express how I feel inside. Sometimes I feel joy and other times… my mind is fucked. A mind fuck is when you have undergone some sort of experience that leaves you speechless. I am left speechless. This is nothing new for a Rob Zombie film. ‘House of a Thousand Corpses’ left me speechless, but it was that happy calm that comes after a storm, as if I had made it through the wormhole and was now in ‘Wonderland’. Now, after watching ‘Lords of Salem… I don’t know where the fuck I AM! My mind has been raped. I’m not sure whether it’s because of the masturbating demons in black robes and weird halloween masks, or the inexplicable ‘Lucifer‘s baby’ who was just… just awesome. Hilarious would be another word for him, but who am I to judge the fat little demon bastard?

Rob Zombie and I have a long and frustrating history, as I once considered him a horror genius (House of a Thousand Corpses, Devil’s Rejects), but that opinion has shifted (Halloween 2, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto). I’ve figured he owes me roughly thirty dollars if you count the popcorn I had at the theatre, but let’s face it, I’m dumb enough that if he makes another horror film I’ll watch it again. In all, I can’t say ‘Lords of Salem’ was a bad film, because I don’t know how to explain it. I’m not sure what I’ve seen; my brain has yet to define it to me. I’m thinking I need to sit in the shower and rock back and forth, reminding myself that the world isn’t full of little demons that try to rape me. It might be… it might. Maybe, as a token of gratitude, Sherry Moon Zombie will get in and assure me everything is gonna be okay.

Probably not… probably not. The world really is full of demons.

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