So Eating Human Meat…

imagesLara Flynn Boyle… has had some work done. That’s not the issue here. It is but one of many things I learned after watching Hansel and Gretel Get Baked. I didn’t have very high… haha, ‘high’ hopes for it, but I gave it a chance. Another thing I learned is that if you cook human meat for long enough it looks almost like a honey-baked ham. Not that a pot head will care and I’m sure if I’m stoned enough I could eat a human leg and not notice. So, what am I supposed to do if I don’t have weed, but am in possession of a decent sized piece of human meat? Seasoning it… I’ll have to leave that to a few hunters I know. I’ll bet Ted Nugent will know the best way to season a human leg, that’s all I want! We can listen to Cat Scratch Fever and chew down some human jerky.

The movie… was not so great. That’s why I’m talking more about cannibalism. It had a few good times and memorable quotes, but nothing that I can warrant requesting a bit of your time. I’d rather invite you to my first human meat dinner, but I’ve still gotta get my ducks in a row. I mean, if any one can help I’ll gladly try to figure this thing out.

I’m relatively sure it’s illegal, but human flesh might be a blessing in disguise. Imagine feeding the homeless TO the homeless. There’re two people who are no longer hungry right off the bat; if we could start up some kinda buffet we’re golden. Maybe I could do a kickstarter to get funding, or venture capitalists… or maybe a government grant.

Any suggestions would be sweet.

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Lizzie… I mean Gary Busey!

I don't remember anything from this movie, except for... Gary Busey!

I don’t remember anything from this movie, except for… Gary Busey!

Lizzie Borden took an axe,

gave her mother forty whacks,

when she saw what she had done,

she gave her father forty-one.

As a practicing sociopath I am always interested in stories about lunatics, fringe madmen and wannabe prophets. Lizzie Borden is a relatively well known story, enough so that it has a cute little nursery rhyme to go along with it. What a terrible thing to make a rhyme about, even if Lizzie Borden was found innocent of the murders. The question becomes, ‘who killed these people?’ but there never was a definitive answer. Nobody knows, so I’m gonna tell you… it was Gary Busey.

Gary Busey took an axe and gave dat dude d’er fitty whacks, when he see’d dat skin was slackin’ kemosabe kept on hackin’.

Boom! You’d better believe it! Guess one of my favorite parts of the movie? When the chick is covered in blood and goes for this tiny Band-Aid to cover her. I just found it funny is all, prop comedy is my thing. It was funny to me, like when Lizzie took an axe and did some stuff… that’s prop comedy. Funny stuff. Seriously though, does anyone find these nursery rhymes funny, like when Freddy has all the little girls, who he obviously raped, singing about him. Is that supposed to be like an Irish ballad? You know, where they’re like ‘Masha rein a-ma doo a-ma da!’ and nobody knows what the hell that means! Oh shit, Corbin Bernsen is in this movie! What the hell does this mean? Am I in the Twilight Zone? zrD6

Are these ballads supposed to be funny, or convey a story, or just confuse the shit out of people, because Lizzie managed to do all three! My main unanswered questions, though there are many: Why did I keep watching, why isn’t Gary Busey a featured actor in this movie, why is the guy from Forty Year Old Virgin (Gerry Bednob) in this, why is she in her underwear when the cable guy comes. Seriously, he might have saved the movie… you’re right, nothing can save this one. Do women really sleep in those weird silk dresses? Why does Lizzie hang around with such a douche boyfriend? Why can’t she find the right guy for her? Is she crazy? Are all women crazy? Why am I still watching? Why am I so invested in a shitty movie with no point and no gratuitous nudity? Why don’t Corbin Bernsen and Gary Busey run away and make their own movie… I’m thinking Major League 4? Call Charlie Sheen, Omar Epps, Wesley Snipes and the entire cast! I definitely have a better idea for a movie than Lizzie. Dude, Lizzie and her BF have some serious history to work out, almost as if her past and the fate of Lizzie Borden….. wait… nope, still doesn’t make sense.

This movie tries really hard to be a The Shining rip off, but falls way far… WAY FAR. I’m surprised they didn’t rip off the twin scene from the Jack Nicholson classic, or maybe throw in a lesbian scene… though I was hoping for it when her new neighbor suddenly entered the movie halfway through. Plot twist? No, just a mess of a movie. I kept yelling for them to kiss, but it just wasn’t gonna happen. It just… didn’t… happen. You ever question your faith in humanity, or God, because of one movie? It just… didn’t… happen.

I mean, they could’ve paid anybody to be the father for half a scene and they pay Gary Busey and he’s gone forever! I could’ve done it way cheaper, but no! They should’a paid Megan Fox to play the ghost… just for laughs. They probably thought of that, but they blew their budget on Busey. They could’ve done anything not to do this movie, they could’ve saved the world and left the story of Lizzie Borden in an old nursery rhyme, but no, they had to prove they were somebody special. Whose they… I dunno.

And I’m done… don’t watch Lizzie.

The Walking Dead v. The Hammer of the Gods

Tyreese wielding the hammer of the gods

Tyreese (Chad L. Coleman) wielding his divine hammer of the gods in honor of our lord Odin, or something like that

So… The Walking Dead last week… dude went crazy! You know AMC is going crazy over this shit, basically telling the writers to do whatever the hell they want to keep them in business. Who would’a thought that a channel best known for… well, I can’t really think of anything else. Not anymore, now the phenomenon has been coined: AMC’s The Walking Dead. They’re comin’ up in the world; good for them!

I do love the show, but what I’m more interested in is taking notes in case this shit ever happens. I study and re-examine every episode and am coming up with a relative outline for how I’m going to survive and all you other assholes are gonna die when this really happens. Oh, and there’s no doubt in my mind this could happen; either aliens could come down, cosmic dust, or our government could be prepping a virus capable of raising the dead. Is it so hard to believe, if you give it a brief examination you’ll realize that everything that has ever been done only takes a bit of imagination. The people with imagination love a challenge; give them a riddle and they go to down, are you really willing to bet me a million dollars our government, with all of our labs dedicated to biological weapons, including perfecting deadlier strains of anthrax, couldn’t make this show into more than a hit on AMC?

In no time, this could be a hit reality show.

But I’m not here to debate the probability of the ‘zompocalypse’, I’m here to give you normal folk a helpful bit of advice I’ve come to realize after years of watching horror movies. The new rule, number one overall, of surviving the zombie apocalypse is to always have a hammer. The end of last weeks episode was all the proof I needed, where Tyreese (Chad L. Coleman) summoned his Wolverine Berserker powers and killed dozens of zombies in swift cracks of their skulls. Imagine the possibilities, you oh so imaginative peoples! You could easily carry a whole bunch of hammers, and you don’t have to worry about wielding a bulky axe, just a small hammer, even using two at a time to pulverize any zombie horde. A normal size hammer is sturdy enough that you could swing for days, but they’re light-weight enough that you could carry roughly six on your belt, two taped to your chest, two to your back; wear carpenter pants and pack a few more and you’ll be off to the zompocalypse!

Hammers have always been around for weaponry, so it isn’t crazy. You don’t need a fancy samurai sword like Michonne, (Danai Gurira) though lightweight, the blade is weak and could be damaged easily. A chainsaw… don’t even get me started. A gun is loud and requires a bit of dexterity if you’re needing a desperate headshot… a hammer is meant for any fool to go swing-happy. The hammer is the ultimate tool of the zompocalypse; just run into a horde, in honor of Berserker Tyreese, and summon every ounce of adrenaline with a few quick swings.

Remember, always, that our greatest asset in any trying time is our imaginations. After all, it will be our minds that most likely get us into this mess and in that terrible duality that life so often presents it will be the mind that gets us out.

Long live Daryl Dixon!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_hammer