Lizzie… I mean Gary Busey!

I don't remember anything from this movie, except for... Gary Busey!

I don’t remember anything from this movie, except for… Gary Busey!

Lizzie Borden took an axe,

gave her mother forty whacks,

when she saw what she had done,

she gave her father forty-one.

As a practicing sociopath I am always interested in stories about lunatics, fringe madmen and wannabe prophets. Lizzie Borden is a relatively well known story, enough so that it has a cute little nursery rhyme to go along with it. What a terrible thing to make a rhyme about, even if Lizzie Borden was found innocent of the murders. The question becomes, ‘who killed these people?’ but there never was a definitive answer. Nobody knows, so I’m gonna tell you… it was Gary Busey.

Gary Busey took an axe and gave dat dude d’er fitty whacks, when he see’d dat skin was slackin’ kemosabe kept on hackin’.

Boom! You’d better believe it! Guess one of my favorite parts of the movie? When the chick is covered in blood and goes for this tiny Band-Aid to cover her. I just found it funny is all, prop comedy is my thing. It was funny to me, like when Lizzie took an axe and did some stuff… that’s prop comedy. Funny stuff. Seriously though, does anyone find these nursery rhymes funny, like when Freddy has all the little girls, who he obviously raped, singing about him. Is that supposed to be like an Irish ballad? You know, where they’re like ‘Masha rein a-ma doo a-ma da!’ and nobody knows what the hell that means! Oh shit, Corbin Bernsen is in this movie! What the hell does this mean? Am I in the Twilight Zone? zrD6

Are these ballads supposed to be funny, or convey a story, or just confuse the shit out of people, because Lizzie managed to do all three! My main unanswered questions, though there are many: Why did I keep watching, why isn’t Gary Busey a featured actor in this movie, why is the guy from Forty Year Old Virgin (Gerry Bednob) in this, why is she in her underwear when the cable guy comes. Seriously, he might have saved the movie… you’re right, nothing can save this one. Do women really sleep in those weird silk dresses? Why does Lizzie hang around with such a douche boyfriend? Why can’t she find the right guy for her? Is she crazy? Are all women crazy? Why am I still watching? Why am I so invested in a shitty movie with no point and no gratuitous nudity? Why don’t Corbin Bernsen and Gary Busey run away and make their own movie… I’m thinking Major League 4? Call Charlie Sheen, Omar Epps, Wesley Snipes and the entire cast! I definitely have a better idea for a movie than Lizzie. Dude, Lizzie and her BF have some serious history to work out, almost as if her past and the fate of Lizzie Borden….. wait… nope, still doesn’t make sense.

This movie tries really hard to be a The Shining rip off, but falls way far… WAY FAR. I’m surprised they didn’t rip off the twin scene from the Jack Nicholson classic, or maybe throw in a lesbian scene… though I was hoping for it when her new neighbor suddenly entered the movie halfway through. Plot twist? No, just a mess of a movie. I kept yelling for them to kiss, but it just wasn’t gonna happen. It just… didn’t… happen. You ever question your faith in humanity, or God, because of one movie? It just… didn’t… happen.

I mean, they could’ve paid anybody to be the father for half a scene and they pay Gary Busey and he’s gone forever! I could’ve done it way cheaper, but no! They should’a paid Megan Fox to play the ghost… just for laughs. They probably thought of that, but they blew their budget on Busey. They could’ve done anything not to do this movie, they could’ve saved the world and left the story of Lizzie Borden in an old nursery rhyme, but no, they had to prove they were somebody special. Whose they… I dunno.

And I’m done… don’t watch Lizzie.


4 responses to “Lizzie… I mean Gary Busey!

  1. I’m actually a bit of a Borden buff, stemming from a play I did about ten years ago which explored the story from her perspective. I saw this was on Netflix and was debating on wether or not to watch it. I think I may pass at this point.

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