The Netflix Wasteland

Okay... now I kinda like clowns

Okay… now I kinda like clowns

When one travels through the wasteland that the world has come to know as ‘The Netflix’ one makes the journey knowing all too well that his mind might escape, but it will be forever changed. Those who make it back are supposed to be responsible and not recommended a movie like ‘Human Centipede’, but some are so distorted by entering the rift their conscience is not worth its weight in gold. Rotten bastards. It is in respects to the dark lords… or corporations, which control the Netflix that I will recommend a few for a respectable viewer to either enter at his own risk or stay away from entirely.

There are a few movies I would like to point out that I have found on a few treks into the void for which I will never be the same. Now is your turn. Enter if you dare, just be sure to respect the will of the Netflix, say a prayer before your entry, so that the gods might hold a bit of pity. Good luck.

5) Stitches – A British horror/comedy about a clown that returns from the dead to exact his revenge. I warn you, what you see cannot be unseen. It was a good movie altogether, but the point is… your brain is going to be raped. You’ll never look at clowns the same that’s for sure… not that any one really likes clowns. It was a very inappropriate movie, which made it hilarious. It held back for nothing and wasn’t afraid to make its audience uncomfortable with horrifying deaths and utter irreverence. Good for you… kinda.

11174546_8004) Contracted – About a girl out in the world who hooks up with a stranger one night and catches… something. I really don’t wanna talk about it, but I feel the world should know her story. Things start to rot on her… that is the only spoiler I will provide, and if you can make it without vomiting the rest of the movie is worth watching. It too was not afraid to make its audience disgusted or uncomfortable. I was more uncomfortable with why she didn’t go to the hospital MUCH sooner, but that’s me.

3) Antichrist – I could only make it half a minute through this one. It deserves a spoiler for explanation: penetration.antichrist-movie_poster Within the first minute a child is falling to his death in slow-mo and Willem Dafoe is ramming his wife… all slo-mo. Clearly, this is a movie… not for me.

2) Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead – What the fuck is wrong with the Japanese? If you can make it through the first two minutes, which is the opening credits, you’re a stronger man than I. I’m not sure what to say about this one, but if you enjoy puke and the undead and everything in between this movie will fill that dark hole festering in your soul. They’re not afraid to show a little Japanese ass here and there… though it’s normally accompanied by pooping or… other stuff. Just thought I’d throw that in there… in case anyone was interested.

1) A Darker Reality – have you ever thought to yourself that you REALLY wanted to see Daniel Baldwin choking himself with a noose while masturbating? If so, then this is your movie! It gets worse… much worse… it’s basically a zombie_ass_toilet_of_the_dead_ver2movie of the worst imaginable jumble of sick shit. Truly, a darker reality. Baldwin plays a killer of the worst kind; he tortures his victims psychologically to make them into something… DARK. Boom… didn’t see that coming, did you? Well, then, you’re a sick fuck. I would’ve perhaps been able to enjoy this movie, though I felt like it was slow, despite the horrifying imagery and senseless morbidity. I felt like the ending was visible from five minutes into the movie and that always hurts me on the inside. The two detectives investigating Baldwin should’ve called me and I could’ve saved everyone a whole lot of trouble.

Nobody calls me… mine is truly a darker reality.  darkerdvd





4 responses to “The Netflix Wasteland

  1. The lack of good horror on Netflix is a constant complaint of mine. The fact that they remove good stuff that I actually like (say, Dark Shadows) but insist on keeping that stupid Spiders movie up forever constaltly vesxes me. The past Fiday the 13th they had ONE f13 film up there – and it was part seven! You’ll find horrible sequals, but not the original films. I don’t know if theres some kind of rule for only one film in a franchise on streaming at any given time, but if that is the case, then they are choosing the WRONG entries in those series to put up there. Ugh.

      • It really is where old SyFy channel films go to die. I think all Asylum films should have a big warning on the cover art – like a surgeon general’s warning or something. No Troma (which actually doesn’t bother me that much) and next to no Full moon (which DOES bother me – less now probably since Full Moon Streaming is up). How is this a superior alternative to the video store???

        other than their general absence….but still….

      • People fell in love, because it was new… now everyone realizes its just as bad as Blockbuster (RIP)… not that I don’t occasionally spend hours searching… I just hardly ever find anything worth my time!

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