Dude Comes at You with a Chainsaw AND…

imagesThe chainsaw is a fun weapon to have in a horror movie. No need for explanation, so I’ll explain; the chainsaw is a moving blade that when it hits flesh (at least in a movie) it spins and sprays everybody within a hundred mile radius with the blood of the innocent. I blame Bruce Campbell for this… but let’s be honest; I can’t stay mad at him. Here are a few rules to dealing with the chainsaw.

Fairly self-explanatory… but I don’t have a lot going on.

If THEY have one:

3) You charge the dude- this is really fucking stupid, yet it happens in every movie with a chainsaw at least once! A chainsaw isn’t that effective a weapon, but if you give it all the power, say, running full speed towards it, you’re fucked. Stop that! You can’t juke a chainsaw!

2) Throw a stick at him – good idea to use a weapon with a trajectory, but the stick is the chainsaw’s natural prey. It’s like throwing a fish to a shark. I’d rather see you get creative and toss a grenade. That way you catch a chainsaw by its instinct! He’ll never see it coming!

1) You run for your goddamn life. A chainsaw is too heavy as a melee weapon and any fat bastard who gives chase will lose steam in no time. Cardio is the number one rule for Zombie land and it works for us too.

If YOU have one:

  • Chop wood- because that’s why one uses a chainsaw. Build a home. Habit for humanity, because I care.
  • Swingers- swing it like an asshole and tire yourself out. Seems to be the strategy for some, which isn’t to say it’s very effective. Let’s be honest, I don’t really want you to make it out of whatever you’re using a chainsaw for anyway.
  • Study BC Legend- Bruce Campbell in Army of Darkness exemplifies one of the best usages of the chainsaw ever. Learn his tactics… the Bruce Campbell is slow, calculating and meticulous. Every move with a heavy ass chainsaw has to count.

 

Top Instructional Chainsaw Movies:

 

5) Evil Dead Remake – I can appreciate Mia (Jane Levy) shoving it down the demon’s throat… it would’ve been nice if she was forced to turn it on her own hand like BC Legend… but the legacy is a lot to live up to. You done good, kid.

4) Dead Snow – Chainsaw wielding goes crazy in this one. SOOO many limbs hacked left to right in so many ways, but the chainsaw can truly shine. The way they do it is funny, though chainsaw safety is no laughing matter. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsL42mL-V68&oref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DNsL42mL-V68&has_verified=1

3) Army of Darkness & Evil Dead – Watch Bruce Campbell at work. Need I say more?

2) Dawn of the Dead Remake– Nothing says proper chainsaw use then watching a poor skank being ripped in half because a dude slips in a moving vehicle. Plenty to learn from this: no using a chainsaw in anything that moves, pay attention when using a chainsaw… you get the point. Safety is the name of the game.

1) Texas Chainsaw Massacre – obvious, of course, but it has to be at the top. It’s the movie that made the chainsaw so popular, so why not. The usage of the chainsaw is so abundant that you see how to and not to use it! Perfect instructional video… kudos.

A Really Boring Satanic Biker Flick

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Hard Ride to Hell… I gotta hand it to the directors or the writers, because it seems it would take a tremendous effort to ruin a movie about satanic bikers trying to impregnate sexy teens to create the antichrist or whatever the fuck they wanted. Kudos… I guess. I wanted to put up a picture of something memorable from the movie… but nothing came to mind. I guess I could’a snapped a pic of the five bucks I wasted, but that’s long gone. Instead, I chose to use an awesome photo of Katherine Isabelle, who is in the movie, unfortunately, and who I usually love. Who am I kidding! I can’t stay mad at you!

I could hold the day sacred and hope to never forget my mistake, but I know I will. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve watched more bad movies than good, but such is the duplicitous nature of one who uses Netflix and shops at the bargain bin at FYE. I think the one dude was a wrestler for a while… but I couldn’t remember his name… I wanted to check it on IMDB… but I was worried it would somehow help the already shitty rating for this movie. I blame FYE not having a copy of Ginger snaps, which is another movie with Katherine Isabelle that was much better. I’m not saying I’m gonna sue, I’m just saying I have a case.

Okay, so the bikers wanna impregnate these women to give birth to the antichrist or whatever. Respectable premise. It’s always in the execution that these movies fail miserably. There was nothing memorable to make this a cult classic; I didn’t need anything terribly disgusting, but at least an image that stuck in my mind. They use a chainsaw to hack off limbs and stab each other, but still nothing could stick. The story lost me, I got bored too easily. Slow pace for a satanic biker slasher. It was so slow, I worry that they planned it this way.

A couple questions I need answered? Who are these people that just allow others to bite them? If I feel somebody biting down I elbow them in their fuck-mouth face! I kinda wanna try, it looks so easy. Even weirder how Miguel Ferrer seems to talk like this is a redneck’s rewriting of Shakespeare. “To be or not to be… y’all!” I can’t fault the actors. They weren’t bad. Maybe I’m just jaded from all the deranged redneck movies I’ve seen. Weird that such a topic could become tedious. I think it means I’m growing as a person. Personal growth… good for me.