A Really Boring Satanic Biker Flick

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Hard Ride to Hell… I gotta hand it to the directors or the writers, because it seems it would take a tremendous effort to ruin a movie about satanic bikers trying to impregnate sexy teens to create the antichrist or whatever the fuck they wanted. Kudos… I guess. I wanted to put up a picture of something memorable from the movie… but nothing came to mind. I guess I could’a snapped a pic of the five bucks I wasted, but that’s long gone. Instead, I chose to use an awesome photo of Katherine Isabelle, who is in the movie, unfortunately, and who I usually love. Who am I kidding! I can’t stay mad at you!

I could hold the day sacred and hope to never forget my mistake, but I know I will. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve watched more bad movies than good, but such is the duplicitous nature of one who uses Netflix and shops at the bargain bin at FYE. I think the one dude was a wrestler for a while… but I couldn’t remember his name… I wanted to check it on IMDB… but I was worried it would somehow help the already shitty rating for this movie. I blame FYE not having a copy of Ginger snaps, which is another movie with Katherine Isabelle that was much better. I’m not saying I’m gonna sue, I’m just saying I have a case.

Okay, so the bikers wanna impregnate these women to give birth to the antichrist or whatever. Respectable premise. It’s always in the execution that these movies fail miserably. There was nothing memorable to make this a cult classic; I didn’t need anything terribly disgusting, but at least an image that stuck in my mind. They use a chainsaw to hack off limbs and stab each other, but still nothing could stick. The story lost me, I got bored too easily. Slow pace for a satanic biker slasher. It was so slow, I worry that they planned it this way.

A couple questions I need answered? Who are these people that just allow others to bite them? If I feel somebody biting down I elbow them in their fuck-mouth face! I kinda wanna try, it looks so easy. Even weirder how Miguel Ferrer seems to talk like this is a redneck’s rewriting of Shakespeare. “To be or not to be… y’all!” I can’t fault the actors. They weren’t bad. Maybe I’m just jaded from all the deranged redneck movies I’ve seen. Weird that such a topic could become tedious. I think it means I’m growing as a person. Personal growth… good for me.

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