Cricket PenisPocalypse 2014

I can't believe that whole time this dude had herpes!

I can’t believe that whole time this dude had an std!

It’ll start with the crickets… and then it’ll come for us! Since the dawn of time, our peace with the crickets established society on shaky ground, but what will come of our sworn enemies when there are no more little cricket babies? That little bitch Jiminy Cricket was always trying to tell us what to do, and the entire time he had an STD. Disney was never one for a decent backstory… I’ll bet Jiminy was into chokin’ himself too the sick son of a bitch. But, seriously folks.. we gotta save the crickets. I know cancer sucks… but think of the cricket children!

Imagine a virus that makes you think you want to have sex! That pretty much sums up the human brain! If this makes the change from cricket to human, we are sooo fucked. A virus that only wants you to have sex so that your penis falls off… okay… we gotta get a damn cure fast. It’s only a matter of time before this virus makes the leap from cricket to man… I guess. Wait……. birds eat crickets…….. SUPERPENISEATINGBIRDFLUUUUU!!!

Humanity will be infected and it will be worse than the zombie apocalypse. In a world where penises rot off, one man will come to power. This is a world where those with penises seize control, while those who don’t hide in the shadows. They will be… mutant penis monsters! I’m sorry, is the plural of Penis ‘Peni’? Whatever. Anyway, I think Arnold Schwarzenegger could be in this one, but I think Michael Jai White has greater potential… dude’s jacked and he already used that ‘You diabolical dick-shrinkin’ motha fucka!’ in Black Dynamite. World War… no, it can’t be called that… it must be called…….. The Great Cricket Penis Insurrection. These are the times that try men’s souls.

Please folks, donate all you can to the Save the Cricket Peni Foundation. I’ll start that shit later, but for now SEND ME MONEY!!!!!


Cottage Country

cottage-country(Spoilers) What I learned from ‘Cottage Country’ is that relationships can be difficult. Take, for instance, when Todd (Tyler Labine) kills his brother Salinger… this doesn’t mean he doesn’t love him. There’s just a lot of emotion between them… a lot to deal with, probably makes it hard to handle. Killing people is the sincerest form of flattery.

Every relationship we have can bubble beneath the surface and if we decide to act on it, soothing the tension or let it simmer… that makes up a killer. Todd’s excellent kill, an ax to the throat, (by far the best kill-shot to go with in my estimation), is the ultimate simmering of emotion. Emotions can get too hot for us to touch, if this happens people have a way of going ‘supernova’. When this happens nobody can touch them, and it’s not because they’ve become god-like, its because they’re on fire and can’t be put out! It’s the exact opposite of what happens to Bruce Leroy at the end of ‘The Last Dragon’ and if you don’t get the reference you hurt me on the inside.

Todd seeing his brother as a ghost around the cabin is this emotion continuing to simmer, as he refuses to acknowledge it. It warns him about his crazy-ass wife (Malin Akerman), who has her own emotional baggage to contain. Hell, even the mother and father get in on the act! Life and the tangled webs we weave… so complex! The group dynamic is staggeringly hilarious in this film and makes a person question his own relationships.

Well played, comedy… well played.

Just ‘F’ and Get it Over!

You kiss your mother with that.... oh yeah

You kiss your mother with that…. oh yeah

With the return of Bates Motel for season two, there is only one question on everyone’s mind… in which episode will Norman Bates have sex with his mother. No big deal to me, hey if you wanna go and bang your mother that’s on you. I’m only upset because she… or the voices in his head, kept him from having sex with that teacher. The only problem I find is that Norma (Vera Farmiga) might be insane herself… or just too damn needy. Chick is high maintenance and I don’t think such a “Sensitive Soul”, like Norman (Freddie Highmore) can handle her.

I aint even mad though… alright I am! I was really rooting for little Norman to have sex with his teacher… it’s an obsession. This should’a happened and no, it wouldn’t have helped the storyline… but it would’a helped me. Don’t judge me, and sooner or later you’re all gonna have to admit that Miss Watson (Keegan Connor Tracy) was sending innocent Norman obvious ‘do me!’ vibes. Weird still, how I was hoping for such a thing. I just… I believe in you little Norman.

Weird… the more depraved the show gets…. the more depraved my expectations become. Before the end of last season I was kind of expecting some kind of weird three-way to just pop-up, like Norma and an Asian sex slave, or Norman and a few of his teeny crushes. I wouldn’t have anticipated so many sexual possibilities for young Norman if I’d only seen the movie; depravity yes, but so many possibilities for him getting laid.

Do I sound jealous… fuck you……. okay… I’m jelly. Despite the possibilities, the only one that seems absolute is that… Norman and Norma are going to have relations… in the biblical sense. though, I don’t think Jesus wanted this… not sure though, I haven’t finished the Bible.

So Eating Human Meat…

imagesLara Flynn Boyle… has had some work done. That’s not the issue here. It is but one of many things I learned after watching Hansel and Gretel Get Baked. I didn’t have very high… haha, ‘high’ hopes for it, but I gave it a chance. Another thing I learned is that if you cook human meat for long enough it looks almost like a honey-baked ham. Not that a pot head will care and I’m sure if I’m stoned enough I could eat a human leg and not notice. So, what am I supposed to do if I don’t have weed, but am in possession of a decent sized piece of human meat? Seasoning it… I’ll have to leave that to a few hunters I know. I’ll bet Ted Nugent will know the best way to season a human leg, that’s all I want! We can listen to Cat Scratch Fever and chew down some human jerky.

The movie… was not so great. That’s why I’m talking more about cannibalism. It had a few good times and memorable quotes, but nothing that I can warrant requesting a bit of your time. I’d rather invite you to my first human meat dinner, but I’ve still gotta get my ducks in a row. I mean, if any one can help I’ll gladly try to figure this thing out.

I’m relatively sure it’s illegal, but human flesh might be a blessing in disguise. Imagine feeding the homeless TO the homeless. There’re two people who are no longer hungry right off the bat; if we could start up some kinda buffet we’re golden. Maybe I could do a kickstarter to get funding, or venture capitalists… or maybe a government grant.

Any suggestions would be sweet.

Lizzie… I mean Gary Busey!

I don't remember anything from this movie, except for... Gary Busey!

I don’t remember anything from this movie, except for… Gary Busey!

Lizzie Borden took an axe,

gave her mother forty whacks,

when she saw what she had done,

she gave her father forty-one.

As a practicing sociopath I am always interested in stories about lunatics, fringe madmen and wannabe prophets. Lizzie Borden is a relatively well known story, enough so that it has a cute little nursery rhyme to go along with it. What a terrible thing to make a rhyme about, even if Lizzie Borden was found innocent of the murders. The question becomes, ‘who killed these people?’ but there never was a definitive answer. Nobody knows, so I’m gonna tell you… it was Gary Busey.

Gary Busey took an axe and gave dat dude d’er fitty whacks, when he see’d dat skin was slackin’ kemosabe kept on hackin’.

Boom! You’d better believe it! Guess one of my favorite parts of the movie? When the chick is covered in blood and goes for this tiny Band-Aid to cover her. I just found it funny is all, prop comedy is my thing. It was funny to me, like when Lizzie took an axe and did some stuff… that’s prop comedy. Funny stuff. Seriously though, does anyone find these nursery rhymes funny, like when Freddy has all the little girls, who he obviously raped, singing about him. Is that supposed to be like an Irish ballad? You know, where they’re like ‘Masha rein a-ma doo a-ma da!’ and nobody knows what the hell that means! Oh shit, Corbin Bernsen is in this movie! What the hell does this mean? Am I in the Twilight Zone? zrD6

Are these ballads supposed to be funny, or convey a story, or just confuse the shit out of people, because Lizzie managed to do all three! My main unanswered questions, though there are many: Why did I keep watching, why isn’t Gary Busey a featured actor in this movie, why is the guy from Forty Year Old Virgin (Gerry Bednob) in this, why is she in her underwear when the cable guy comes. Seriously, he might have saved the movie… you’re right, nothing can save this one. Do women really sleep in those weird silk dresses? Why does Lizzie hang around with such a douche boyfriend? Why can’t she find the right guy for her? Is she crazy? Are all women crazy? Why am I still watching? Why am I so invested in a shitty movie with no point and no gratuitous nudity? Why don’t Corbin Bernsen and Gary Busey run away and make their own movie… I’m thinking Major League 4? Call Charlie Sheen, Omar Epps, Wesley Snipes and the entire cast! I definitely have a better idea for a movie than Lizzie. Dude, Lizzie and her BF have some serious history to work out, almost as if her past and the fate of Lizzie Borden….. wait… nope, still doesn’t make sense.

This movie tries really hard to be a The Shining rip off, but falls way far… WAY FAR. I’m surprised they didn’t rip off the twin scene from the Jack Nicholson classic, or maybe throw in a lesbian scene… though I was hoping for it when her new neighbor suddenly entered the movie halfway through. Plot twist? No, just a mess of a movie. I kept yelling for them to kiss, but it just wasn’t gonna happen. It just… didn’t… happen. You ever question your faith in humanity, or God, because of one movie? It just… didn’t… happen.

I mean, they could’ve paid anybody to be the father for half a scene and they pay Gary Busey and he’s gone forever! I could’ve done it way cheaper, but no! They should’a paid Megan Fox to play the ghost… just for laughs. They probably thought of that, but they blew their budget on Busey. They could’ve done anything not to do this movie, they could’ve saved the world and left the story of Lizzie Borden in an old nursery rhyme, but no, they had to prove they were somebody special. Whose they… I dunno.

And I’m done… don’t watch Lizzie.

The Walking Dead v. The Hammer of the Gods

Tyreese wielding the hammer of the gods

Tyreese (Chad L. Coleman) wielding his divine hammer of the gods in honor of our lord Odin, or something like that

So… The Walking Dead last week… dude went crazy! You know AMC is going crazy over this shit, basically telling the writers to do whatever the hell they want to keep them in business. Who would’a thought that a channel best known for… well, I can’t really think of anything else. Not anymore, now the phenomenon has been coined: AMC’s The Walking Dead. They’re comin’ up in the world; good for them!

I do love the show, but what I’m more interested in is taking notes in case this shit ever happens. I study and re-examine every episode and am coming up with a relative outline for how I’m going to survive and all you other assholes are gonna die when this really happens. Oh, and there’s no doubt in my mind this could happen; either aliens could come down, cosmic dust, or our government could be prepping a virus capable of raising the dead. Is it so hard to believe, if you give it a brief examination you’ll realize that everything that has ever been done only takes a bit of imagination. The people with imagination love a challenge; give them a riddle and they go to down, are you really willing to bet me a million dollars our government, with all of our labs dedicated to biological weapons, including perfecting deadlier strains of anthrax, couldn’t make this show into more than a hit on AMC?

In no time, this could be a hit reality show.

But I’m not here to debate the probability of the ‘zompocalypse’, I’m here to give you normal folk a helpful bit of advice I’ve come to realize after years of watching horror movies. The new rule, number one overall, of surviving the zombie apocalypse is to always have a hammer. The end of last weeks episode was all the proof I needed, where Tyreese (Chad L. Coleman) summoned his Wolverine Berserker powers and killed dozens of zombies in swift cracks of their skulls. Imagine the possibilities, you oh so imaginative peoples! You could easily carry a whole bunch of hammers, and you don’t have to worry about wielding a bulky axe, just a small hammer, even using two at a time to pulverize any zombie horde. A normal size hammer is sturdy enough that you could swing for days, but they’re light-weight enough that you could carry roughly six on your belt, two taped to your chest, two to your back; wear carpenter pants and pack a few more and you’ll be off to the zompocalypse!

Hammers have always been around for weaponry, so it isn’t crazy. You don’t need a fancy samurai sword like Michonne, (Danai Gurira) though lightweight, the blade is weak and could be damaged easily. A chainsaw… don’t even get me started. A gun is loud and requires a bit of dexterity if you’re needing a desperate headshot… a hammer is meant for any fool to go swing-happy. The hammer is the ultimate tool of the zompocalypse; just run into a horde, in honor of Berserker Tyreese, and summon every ounce of adrenaline with a few quick swings.

Remember, always, that our greatest asset in any trying time is our imaginations. After all, it will be our minds that most likely get us into this mess and in that terrible duality that life so often presents it will be the mind that gets us out.

Long live Daryl Dixon!

A Complete Mind Rape in Salem (spoilers)

After watching a Rob Zombie I am always knocked into silence.

I never know how to respond. I can’t think of the words to express how I feel inside. Sometimes I feel joy and other times… my mind is fucked. A mind fuck is when you have undergone some sort of experience that leaves you speechless. I am left speechless. This is nothing new for a Rob Zombie film. ‘House of a Thousand Corpses’ left me speechless, but it was that happy calm that comes after a storm, as if I had made it through the wormhole and was now in ‘Wonderland’. Now, after watching ‘Lords of Salem… I don’t know where the fuck I AM! My mind has been raped. I’m not sure whether it’s because of the masturbating demons in black robes and weird halloween masks, or the inexplicable ‘Lucifer‘s baby’ who was just… just awesome. Hilarious would be another word for him, but who am I to judge the fat little demon bastard?

Rob Zombie and I have a long and frustrating history, as I once considered him a horror genius (House of a Thousand Corpses, Devil’s Rejects), but that opinion has shifted (Halloween 2, The Haunted World of El Superbeasto). I’ve figured he owes me roughly thirty dollars if you count the popcorn I had at the theatre, but let’s face it, I’m dumb enough that if he makes another horror film I’ll watch it again. In all, I can’t say ‘Lords of Salem’ was a bad film, because I don’t know how to explain it. I’m not sure what I’ve seen; my brain has yet to define it to me. I’m thinking I need to sit in the shower and rock back and forth, reminding myself that the world isn’t full of little demons that try to rape me. It might be… it might. Maybe, as a token of gratitude, Sherry Moon Zombie will get in and assure me everything is gonna be okay.

Probably not… probably not. The world really is full of demons.