Dude Comes at You with a Chainsaw AND…

imagesThe chainsaw is a fun weapon to have in a horror movie. No need for explanation, so I’ll explain; the chainsaw is a moving blade that when it hits flesh (at least in a movie) it spins and sprays everybody within a hundred mile radius with the blood of the innocent. I blame Bruce Campbell for this… but let’s be honest; I can’t stay mad at him. Here are a few rules to dealing with the chainsaw.

Fairly self-explanatory… but I don’t have a lot going on.

If THEY have one:

3) You charge the dude- this is really fucking stupid, yet it happens in every movie with a chainsaw at least once! A chainsaw isn’t that effective a weapon, but if you give it all the power, say, running full speed towards it, you’re fucked. Stop that! You can’t juke a chainsaw!

2) Throw a stick at him – good idea to use a weapon with a trajectory, but the stick is the chainsaw’s natural prey. It’s like throwing a fish to a shark. I’d rather see you get creative and toss a grenade. That way you catch a chainsaw by its instinct! He’ll never see it coming!

1) You run for your goddamn life. A chainsaw is too heavy as a melee weapon and any fat bastard who gives chase will lose steam in no time. Cardio is the number one rule for Zombie land and it works for us too.

If YOU have one:

  • Chop wood- because that’s why one uses a chainsaw. Build a home. Habit for humanity, because I care.
  • Swingers- swing it like an asshole and tire yourself out. Seems to be the strategy for some, which isn’t to say it’s very effective. Let’s be honest, I don’t really want you to make it out of whatever you’re using a chainsaw for anyway.
  • Study BC Legend- Bruce Campbell in Army of Darkness exemplifies one of the best usages of the chainsaw ever. Learn his tactics… the Bruce Campbell is slow, calculating and meticulous. Every move with a heavy ass chainsaw has to count.


Top Instructional Chainsaw Movies:


5) Evil Dead Remake – I can appreciate Mia (Jane Levy) shoving it down the demon’s throat… it would’ve been nice if she was forced to turn it on her own hand like BC Legend… but the legacy is a lot to live up to. You done good, kid.

4) Dead Snow – Chainsaw wielding goes crazy in this one. SOOO many limbs hacked left to right in so many ways, but the chainsaw can truly shine. The way they do it is funny, though chainsaw safety is no laughing matter. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsL42mL-V68&oref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DNsL42mL-V68&has_verified=1

3) Army of Darkness & Evil Dead – Watch Bruce Campbell at work. Need I say more?

2) Dawn of the Dead Remake– Nothing says proper chainsaw use then watching a poor skank being ripped in half because a dude slips in a moving vehicle. Plenty to learn from this: no using a chainsaw in anything that moves, pay attention when using a chainsaw… you get the point. Safety is the name of the game.

1) Texas Chainsaw Massacre – obvious, of course, but it has to be at the top. It’s the movie that made the chainsaw so popular, so why not. The usage of the chainsaw is so abundant that you see how to and not to use it! Perfect instructional video… kudos.