Alyce Kills It

20145970_jpg-r_640_600-b_1_D6D6D6-f_jpg-q_x-xxyxxNot sure what happened, but I fell in love with a sociopath. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t the first time… and it won’t be the last, I just never would’ve suspected it from this frail little creature. Alyce, the pro… an… bad person of this film “Alyce Kills” is raging with some pretty heavy demons (obviously), until she just learns to be herself. See… life lessons! You just gotta be yourself. You can’t be who the world wants you to be. Even if that person is homicidal… more fucked up than homicidal. Creepy. Alyce is creepy. Alyce (Jade Dornfeld) manages to overcome her dark, self-deprecating ways for more constructive endeavors, like carving up friends and random drug dealers. It’s a lesson about life… and how you end it… for others.


Dude Comes at You with a Chainsaw AND…

imagesThe chainsaw is a fun weapon to have in a horror movie. No need for explanation, so I’ll explain; the chainsaw is a moving blade that when it hits flesh (at least in a movie) it spins and sprays everybody within a hundred mile radius with the blood of the innocent. I blame Bruce Campbell for this… but let’s be honest; I can’t stay mad at him. Here are a few rules to dealing with the chainsaw.

Fairly self-explanatory… but I don’t have a lot going on.

If THEY have one:

3) You charge the dude- this is really fucking stupid, yet it happens in every movie with a chainsaw at least once! A chainsaw isn’t that effective a weapon, but if you give it all the power, say, running full speed towards it, you’re fucked. Stop that! You can’t juke a chainsaw!

2) Throw a stick at him – good idea to use a weapon with a trajectory, but the stick is the chainsaw’s natural prey. It’s like throwing a fish to a shark. I’d rather see you get creative and toss a grenade. That way you catch a chainsaw by its instinct! He’ll never see it coming!

1) You run for your goddamn life. A chainsaw is too heavy as a melee weapon and any fat bastard who gives chase will lose steam in no time. Cardio is the number one rule for Zombie land and it works for us too.

If YOU have one:

  • Chop wood- because that’s why one uses a chainsaw. Build a home. Habit for humanity, because I care.
  • Swingers- swing it like an asshole and tire yourself out. Seems to be the strategy for some, which isn’t to say it’s very effective. Let’s be honest, I don’t really want you to make it out of whatever you’re using a chainsaw for anyway.
  • Study BC Legend- Bruce Campbell in Army of Darkness exemplifies one of the best usages of the chainsaw ever. Learn his tactics… the Bruce Campbell is slow, calculating and meticulous. Every move with a heavy ass chainsaw has to count.


Top Instructional Chainsaw Movies:


5) Evil Dead Remake – I can appreciate Mia (Jane Levy) shoving it down the demon’s throat… it would’ve been nice if she was forced to turn it on her own hand like BC Legend… but the legacy is a lot to live up to. You done good, kid.

4) Dead Snow – Chainsaw wielding goes crazy in this one. SOOO many limbs hacked left to right in so many ways, but the chainsaw can truly shine. The way they do it is funny, though chainsaw safety is no laughing matter.

3) Army of Darkness & Evil Dead – Watch Bruce Campbell at work. Need I say more?

2) Dawn of the Dead Remake– Nothing says proper chainsaw use then watching a poor skank being ripped in half because a dude slips in a moving vehicle. Plenty to learn from this: no using a chainsaw in anything that moves, pay attention when using a chainsaw… you get the point. Safety is the name of the game.

1) Texas Chainsaw Massacre – obvious, of course, but it has to be at the top. It’s the movie that made the chainsaw so popular, so why not. The usage of the chainsaw is so abundant that you see how to and not to use it! Perfect instructional video… kudos.



I felt the need to bring this to everyone’s attention because, well lets face it, zombies deserve to get laid as much as anyone. I’m setting up my account for when I die, because there is no doubt in my mind that when it happens I will come back ten times more powerful and destroy the world, but I don’t wanna do it alone. I need someone to be with me when I’m a zombie, so that our spirits won’t have to bone in the afterlife.

Zombie fetisheseseseses are gonna be the new wave… I’m callin’ it… you’re welcome. Zombie porn is a thing I know this, as is vampire porn, because for whatever reason people like getting bit. I’m not here to judge, though I feel the variety of different… ‘perversions’ shows the utter insanity in our very nature. Even implying that we have a single nature, one idea that unifies us as a species; this idea of unification is bizarre… not as bizarre as zombie porn, but still. No matter how hard you try to label humanity, every definition falls short. Can anyone really link in a coherent fashion Einstein’s Relativity and… zombie porn. I surely would not want to meet this person, as such logic is beyond the greatest of human minds. Maybe a more deranged mind could figure it out… maybe I’m thinking too hard and there’s somebody out there who gets it. No doubt, he’s preaching on a soapbox in Times Square wearing his underwear as a protective helmet against demon Jedi mindtricks. Trust this guy with your life… no doubt he WON’T lead you astray.

Everyone has at least one doubt within us that there is any coherent bond within the world and it is fortified by the utter chaos we are bombarded by on a daily basis. To not have this doubt, that is crazy. When everything seems to be flowing beyond our control, we reach for the bizarre and it somehow becomes the norm. Normal is a made up word, as they all are, but it has no concrete meaning. Normal is relative, what we must worry about is when our crazy/normals collide. See, for example, the Crusades, 9/11, and any number of the horror movies I watch. You live long enough on this planet and you realize normal is only hindered by the craziest thing you can imagine.