Dude Comes at You with a Chainsaw AND…

imagesThe chainsaw is a fun weapon to have in a horror movie. No need for explanation, so I’ll explain; the chainsaw is a moving blade that when it hits flesh (at least in a movie) it spins and sprays everybody within a hundred mile radius with the blood of the innocent. I blame Bruce Campbell for this… but let’s be honest; I can’t stay mad at him. Here are a few rules to dealing with the chainsaw.

Fairly self-explanatory… but I don’t have a lot going on.

If THEY have one:

3) You charge the dude- this is really fucking stupid, yet it happens in every movie with a chainsaw at least once! A chainsaw isn’t that effective a weapon, but if you give it all the power, say, running full speed towards it, you’re fucked. Stop that! You can’t juke a chainsaw!

2) Throw a stick at him – good idea to use a weapon with a trajectory, but the stick is the chainsaw’s natural prey. It’s like throwing a fish to a shark. I’d rather see you get creative and toss a grenade. That way you catch a chainsaw by its instinct! He’ll never see it coming!

1) You run for your goddamn life. A chainsaw is too heavy as a melee weapon and any fat bastard who gives chase will lose steam in no time. Cardio is the number one rule for Zombie land and it works for us too.

If YOU have one:

  • Chop wood- because that’s why one uses a chainsaw. Build a home. Habit for humanity, because I care.
  • Swingers- swing it like an asshole and tire yourself out. Seems to be the strategy for some, which isn’t to say it’s very effective. Let’s be honest, I don’t really want you to make it out of whatever you’re using a chainsaw for anyway.
  • Study BC Legend- Bruce Campbell in Army of Darkness exemplifies one of the best usages of the chainsaw ever. Learn his tactics… the Bruce Campbell is slow, calculating and meticulous. Every move with a heavy ass chainsaw has to count.

 

Top Instructional Chainsaw Movies:

 

5) Evil Dead Remake – I can appreciate Mia (Jane Levy) shoving it down the demon’s throat… it would’ve been nice if she was forced to turn it on her own hand like BC Legend… but the legacy is a lot to live up to. You done good, kid.

4) Dead Snow – Chainsaw wielding goes crazy in this one. SOOO many limbs hacked left to right in so many ways, but the chainsaw can truly shine. The way they do it is funny, though chainsaw safety is no laughing matter. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NsL42mL-V68&oref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DNsL42mL-V68&has_verified=1

3) Army of Darkness & Evil Dead – Watch Bruce Campbell at work. Need I say more?

2) Dawn of the Dead Remake– Nothing says proper chainsaw use then watching a poor skank being ripped in half because a dude slips in a moving vehicle. Plenty to learn from this: no using a chainsaw in anything that moves, pay attention when using a chainsaw… you get the point. Safety is the name of the game.

1) Texas Chainsaw Massacre – obvious, of course, but it has to be at the top. It’s the movie that made the chainsaw so popular, so why not. The usage of the chainsaw is so abundant that you see how to and not to use it! Perfect instructional video… kudos.

Eating Human Flesh: A Love Story

Eat-Me-Cannibal-Movie

Don’t judge me, I’m a patriot, I’m a revolutionary and when I say I want to try eating human flesh take it as a note on my adventurous nature. I refuse to be judged by people who have obviously made ‘Teen Mom‘ and Justin Bieber into star attractions, when I just want a taste of what people have to offer! Eating people has been something I never thought I would do, but this is a new day! People, I have found our destiny, and the answer is in eating our brothers!

This is America, and I’m pretty sure if I figure out the trick I WILL find my way to eat a person! Nothing happens without money in this country, so since I don’t have any… I’ll need to befriend a rich person. I’m willing to bet rich people eat human flesh every day… it’s probably a delicacy to them! Any rich person will do… maybe even Justin Bieber himself, he has to serve a purpose, after all. Maybe the elite are a special club, BECAUSE of their cannibalism, or maybe it is an act that solidifies their bond, much like the dark ritual in Indian Jones when the priest rips out the dudes heart. Yeah… that happened. Rich people, so I think, make eating people into fun afternoon events, much as we normies would play ladder ball, or soccer. Not that I’m a soccer fan… just a dude trying to find the easiest way to eat a person.

Cannibalism is too drastic of a word, by that I mean it carries certain connotations. It implies that I have come to a desperate situation, such as being stranded on a deserted island with two people I like and one I hate. Of course, I’m gonna eat the person I hate, probably on the first day, I just feel that in this situation ‘Cannibalism’ is not the right word to describe my need to eat a person. There should be a specific category, maybe a myriad of sub-categories for cannibalism… we can call mine ‘a minor act of cannibalism’. By the way, on the second and third days I would eat my other two friends, because I’m willing to bet eating people is like eating Chinese food and I’d be hungry right after.

This seems a necessary part of my endeavor, as the act of eating people has become all too taboo, though, and let’s be honest on this, most people on this planet will serve no greater purpose than to be meat in my burger. It will be a greater step-up, won’t it, from being a useless criminal to stepping up and becoming a Burger King kid’s meal. Maybe it could even be a karmic event if we made a pedophile into a kid’s meal… no joke, true story. Another thing I wonder about the taboo, could it have come into our minds that this is a bad thing because one person tried the wrong person and got sick? Maybe somebody didn’t have the stomach for… Chinese, and the whole position on cannibalism has been deterred ever since! There’s another possibility we have to consider about the wonders of cannibalism; different people will taste different. Be honest, most Pringles taste alike, but certain flavors are better than others. If anyone is willing to tell me the honey mustard Pringles are better I will nun chuk you… and possibly eat you… it’ll depend on the flavor.

With all this discussion, I wouldn’t blame anyone for stopping and leaving the discussion, perhaps in disgust and this seems to be the response the cannibalism brings to any conversation. We can’t talk about it, because anyone involved in the act cannot be trusted. His mind is elsewhere and when you talk of peace, he is thinking about making your legs into chicken wings. In order for society to maintain a demeanor of civility, cannibalism has to be a taboo. We can hardly trust each other as it is, I mean, it’s obvious we can’t trust rich people; I mean, come on… they eat children! I added that last part… rich people eat babies… tiny, innocent, defenseless… cut little babies.

So tell me, if you could eat people, what would your favorite flavor be?

A List of my Top Five Favorite Cannibals

5) large night of the living dead blu-rayx2This Girl from ‘Night of the Living Dead‘  – Nothing personal against her, but this scene and her pure enjoyment really brings home the terror that the people inside the house were feeling. You can see the excitement at what she’s doing, eating human flesh and as a decent human being your normal reaction is revulsion. Good for her, proud of you girl! This scene from a classic was the true terror of the movie and helped to bring home the nightmare.

4) aPaTEbKH3cHG0BedikpYZiGyJlMIt’s Justin Bieber – [No Photo Available] Just kiddin’… but yo, Justin hook me up with some human meat! The people under the stairs showed how just because you eat people… you aint bad people! The People Under the Stairs were actually tortured souls who sought revenge against their oppressors. There’s a political statement there, maybe even one FOR cannibalism. Read between the lines!

3)His name's Bob.. Bob has....Bub (Day of the Dead) – The kinda funny character of Bub in ‘Day of the Dead’ helped to make the apocalypse and cannibalism funny. Even Bub seemed to be a better human, or sub-human than those who were still alive, as he cared for his master and only wanted a bit of human flesh. Is that too much to ask?

2) leatherface_by_britzombiegirl-d56tyq9Leather Face – If you really need a picture to know what Leather Face looks like… then the terrorists win. Leather Face and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series helps to bring home cannibalism and the benefits of madness, while instilling one with family values and tradition, dare I say… sophistication?

1) hannibal Dr. Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs) – A sophisticated cannibal, truly the exemplary candidate to represent our… I mean, the cannibal society. What I like most is how he represents a sort of rebel a person would not suspect out of a mindless cannibal. Most people who think of eating people consider it a mindless act of desperation, but Dr. Lecter takes a certain enjoyment, perhaps even a scientific fascination in the act. Truly, a model citizen of the world and in my mind, a candidate for Cannibal of the Year. He’s got my vote.